The Victory Tour

The wonderful thing about living with a psychotic mother was, I have some real doozies to tell, but up until now, I kept them secret out of respect for my mother.  Funny thing, my mother never kept a secret for me...even after promises. 

I can gladly say I can look back and laugh at this one funny time when I didn't know it, but I was pregnant with my daughter. 

My son, Marshall was infatuated with Micheal Jackson.  He insisted his new preschool teachers call him Micheal.  I don't know if he got it from me, but I had been in love with Micheal since high school.  I was once caught by a teacher dancing and singing abc in a back room when I was suppose to be elsewhere.
 I took a chance when the Victory Tour rolled around and entered the lottery for seats and waited.  When I heard, we rejoiced.  The trip was on and soon we rolled out of town, my sister, my mother, my son and me.

I recalled checking into the room we all shared and heading off to the Stadium.  It was exciting for me, and I hope it was for all.  I remember my sister designating a drop off and pick up point, so mom wouldn't have walk so far.  Mother took Marshall and stood at that gate until we parked the car.  We made note of the landmarks with Mom, so she can remember where she will be standing when we go get the car after the concert was over.  Everyone agreed and nodded.  We all knew the landmarks.

I remember loving the concert and once Thriller "monsters" were over, Marshall was loving it too.  About the concert, Micheal Jackson had a lot of soul and I miss him being in the world. 

Mom encouraged me and my sister to rush forward to get the car and she would take her time getting to the designated gate and insures us she knows which one.  Lines of cars, but we finally made it to the gate and didn't see mom and Marshall.  We waited, but finally we realized she must have gone to the wrong gate.  The parking lot was slowly emptying and we made our way around to other gates, but we couldn't find them.  In no time, the parking lot was almost empty and we went back to security the second time, crying telling them it must be foul play.  Finally making one last round when the stadium lights were being turned off, we see Mom and Marshall, and we get out of the car with our arms wide open, so thankful they were alive and safe.  Mother took Marshall by the arm and walked away toward a pay phone. 

Confusion sets in, as it always did when we are going to have to keep calm and continue explaining what might have happened so mom wouldn't be so mad.  There was never a day in my or my sisters life we did something specifically to hurt mom as she claims we have done.  This was one of those times, but regardless, she was very angry.  Pleading or explaining just continued playing out the obvious, things were getting out of hand.  She wouldn't get in the car, she was waiting for the cab to pick her up and I couldn't take Marshall.  I pleaded until the time the cab drove away with my mom and Marshall in tow. 

Funny thing is, she was taking a cab to the very place we were all going, the room we were staying in together.  I can't remember much after that, I just remember it was a crazy, and very uncomfortable trip.  I am sure my sister and I apologized over and over again for whatever perceived crime we had done against her. 

We always did what she said, it was easier?  We were crazy?  We ARE of course scarred of the screaming and threats of suicide, or the constant putting us down for whatever negative label she is sticking to us that day.  I was also concerned about my four year old son seeing a display of anger that I knew all too well coming from my own Mother. I kept her secrets back then.  Today, her secrets affected me deeply so I may share one or two of the humorous or mild ones. 

Mom developed a terrible since of direction back then.  Now, I am noticing like mother like daughter, I get lost going to the neighborhood grocery store.  I want to blame it on the depression, but I am not so sure.

I have another chance to visit memories of Micheal Jackson at a dance recital tomorrow afternoon.  This a smaller venue but worthy of note I will not be pregnant during this performance.  I remember the Victory Tour, I had nausea and dizziness.  Sinus's were in an uproar too.  I visited a doctor who prescribed steroids.  I had not a clue I was pregnant and I couldn't believe with the symptoms I was having, a doctor might not have suggested it to me.  Regardless, I researched what effects these medicines had on unborn babies.  I had already had one baby with a birth defect, and didn't even take tylenol through that pregnancy.  The research had me convinced this baby would have a cleft palette...she was born with rosebud lips.

Also, I won't be returning from this performance shell shocked after promising not to tell anyone about the mix up.  And just because I can now laugh at this incident does not mean I could contact my mother at this time.  Next time I might tell you about the trip to Atlantic City, another doozie..

   .     

Dear Karl

'''remember our initials on the tree at black kettle?  remember they burned that tree several years ago.  i thought back then it was a sign, but ignored it....for that i am sorry.....i should have stopped the train but I didn't know how....in my own way i was trying very hard....i failed and took those years away from each of us.....ditto for you?

People, peeps, persons of interest, gangs, friends, family, outlaws, inlaws, crew, team, humans and creatures

Papers giving me rights to work and drive, do I not have the ability to secure these sacred documents?  Maybe i just need patience and a positive thought they will come in time when they are suppose to come.  Depression grows each night.  Could I be suppressing depressed feelings during the day, so when I get into my car driving home, is the depression stronger because of the fake grins, and fake attitude that all is right in my world.  Maybe everything is right in my world, but I can't see it.

Depression is physical/mental/spiritual but is it necessary?  Will I ever beat this?  Will it ever beat me?

I see many people without partners and they seem fine or do they have fake grins and attitudes too?
I never wanted to be single, heck I am the one that dreamed of waling down the isle when I was 5 years old and I have the memory of mama buying the bride doll, so this I am sure of.  I never dreamed I would grow old with no one to grow old with. 

Speaking of mama, I let mothers day pass without contacting my mother.  I don't speak of why or what happened because the incident that woke me up isn't the only reason I don't talk to mother.  Now writing this, I am feel a great panic and pressure in my chest.  I would never ever not called my mother on mothers day.  The fear would have been too great.  I always wanted to give her the best, I went overboard most years.

Of course I love her too and wish someone was there to wish her a happy mothers day.   I guess I love her, as I am shocked we must all be born with love for our mothers.   I just don't have anything to give her now.  Will be be forever?  I don't want to deal with it now.  What is right?  What do I do?  Why does it have to be this way?  uh oh, i know I am not suppose to be asking the "why" questions.

and then the biggest grief is my divorce.  grow old alone.  why can't I see the beauty of the freedom I feel once in a while?  

Those two people were my only friends....it was my husband and mother.  It left a big big hole inside, because they were not small people.  Both were complicated and took a big chunk of mind, and spirit for me to appease.  Now I only have myself to please.  What is wrong with this picture?  Isn't that suppose to make me happy?  Is happiness the goal?  I don't think so.  Happiness is temporary.  I think today my goal is to keep climbing out of this depression and not look to others to help me....only I can help myself, so tonight I will ask for another sign, a meaning, a solution, or a great teacher.  I wish my cat didn't stink.
smelly cat song. 

Depression and Confusion

I worked all the steps and had unbelievable improvement.  These steps are of my creations received through learning from my family, friends, internet, books, meditation and doctors. 

I need to make a check list, just because I am busier now, I let a few things slip away without even a thought.  It is too easy to do and the results have me in my bed.  I am not hitting rock bottom, I am just feeling confused but the depressed feelings are back physical but not debilitating.  My mind is the defect which had me in my bed feeling worthless again. 

It is not rock bottom, it is not even major because I know I will do what I need to do to survive.  By doing this, I will be filling a big hole, I haven't made a difference in anyone's life in so long.  Wouldn't it be cool if I found a deeper meaning in my work than I have already experienced?  . I don't know if it is possible, but life seems to hand me surprises giving me greater joy than previously experienced. 

Wouldn't it be cool if the rest of all of life, we had better, bigger and deeper joy as the days pass by?  Am I feeling this way because of having cut away all my roots?  I guess I haven't felt the "real" I belong place in a long time.  I almost feel I am acting like I belong and soon I will believe it.  When I get all these legal, employment, housing, and financial decisions out of the way, I can finally start sprouting a root or two.  I am dangling.....

corn and broccoli

 and a rasperry

Beautiful story and I relate

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Thanks to everyone

How fast life can change, better embrace it or you will get lost.  I got lost, then found, then lost and so on....but now in this instance, I am found.

I guess everyone wants to live in the moment, but when the moments are not feeling good, then why live in it?
I could try to answer that question, maybe because if we were truly there in that very moment without negative emotions, then maybe we would want to be there.

How does one escape negative emotions?  I am not sure, but if anyone wants to offer suggestions, I am open to hearing and trying anything that works.

I went to Stillwater today to seal the deal....and I did.  I met with my new partner and had the best Mexican food since living in Oklahoma previous to moving to St. Louis.  St. Louis has the best ever Italian food.  Spedini's you should try them.  I made some on the grill and fed to the few dinner guests we had, it was delicious for all. 

I am seeing the "big" picture where friends are concerned.  I don't want to loose my friends, and by accepting this position, I need to call a friend tonight and apologize.  Hopefully she can forgive me.  I didn't share this week with her, and she is going to think it happened over time, when it actually only happened this week.

I also gained a friend today, so I hope to keep the one I have....1 plus 1 = 2    Two friends, I don't know if I ever had two good friends in my whole life.  I knew I was definitely going to accept the positions after having lunch.  That friend is golden and I will treat her as such.  I don't believe I ever connected so quickly to anyone before.  She is smart, beautiful and we have many of the same values.

If that wasn't just the bomb, I drove around the corner to my ex step sons business.  I saw a young woman drive up and go inside with the key.  I knew it was unlikely I would see my step son.  I had not talked with him since the divorce.  I had sent a face book message asking if we could be friends.or at least keep up with each other, just after the breakup.  He never answered so I took that as a no.

The lady came out of the bathroom as I entered the store.  I asked if Jeremy was around.  She said no but asked if she could help me.  I told her I was Jeremy's ex-step mom.  She embraced me and let me know Jeremy needs me in his life...we couldn't stop talking about how wonderful Jeremy is.  She told me about Coda, his dog had cancer.  More tears....

As I write I am crying just because I can.  How lucky can I be?  I got lost getting out of town and ended up in a complete circle.  I drove by the store and saw Jeremy's truck.  We had a real good talk and am hopeful we will get to know each other better since the dynamics with his father is taken away from our connection to one another.  I have always loved Jeremy and wish I could treat him as I do my own children  Now I have been given this very opportunity.  How blessed I am.

Thank you to everyone who offered me positions, listened to my banter, helped me sort through the abyss, including my ex.  I love each and every one of you.  Just because I love you, doesn't mean I will forsake who I am by living with you.

tonight there is no one I would rather be alone with.....

me

Employed!!!

Depression no more, just a very deep sadness at times...but maybe we should all experience this.  It has made me appreciate the better days and some of those days have moments that move me to tears of sadness and but sometimes tears of joy.  My insecurities have reared their ugly head, but I realize my depression remedies have been hit and miss lately.  I have been preoccupied with interviews, phone calls and just trying to get a photo id. 

I shall get out the pray rain journal and become what I want to be.