Papers giving me rights to work and drive, do I not have the ability to secure these sacred documents? Maybe i just need patience and a positive thought they will come in time when they are suppose to come. Depression grows each night. Could I be suppressing depressed feelings during the day, so when I get into my car driving home, is the depression stronger because of the fake grins, and fake attitude that all is right in my world. Maybe everything is right in my world, but I can't see it.
Depression is physical/mental/spiritual but is it necessary? Will I ever beat this? Will it ever beat me?
I see many people without partners and they seem fine or do they have fake grins and attitudes too?
I never wanted to be single, heck I am the one that dreamed of waling down the isle when I was 5 years old and I have the memory of mama buying the bride doll, so this I am sure of. I never dreamed I would grow old with no one to grow old with.
Speaking of mama, I let mothers day pass without contacting my mother. I don't speak of why or what happened because the incident that woke me up isn't the only reason I don't talk to mother. Now writing this, I am feel a great panic and pressure in my chest. I would never ever not called my mother on mothers day. The fear would have been too great. I always wanted to give her the best, I went overboard most years.
Of course I love her too and wish someone was there to wish her a happy mothers day. I guess I love her, as I am shocked we must all be born with love for our mothers. I just don't have anything to give her now. Will be be forever? I don't want to deal with it now. What is right? What do I do? Why does it have to be this way? uh oh, i know I am not suppose to be asking the "why" questions.
and then the biggest grief is my divorce. grow old alone. why can't I see the beauty of the freedom I feel once in a while?
Those two people were my only friends....it was my husband and mother. It left a big big hole inside, because they were not small people. Both were complicated and took a big chunk of mind, and spirit for me to appease. Now I only have myself to please. What is wrong with this picture? Isn't that suppose to make me happy? Is happiness the goal? I don't think so. Happiness is temporary. I think today my goal is to keep climbing out of this depression and not look to others to help me....only I can help myself, so tonight I will ask for another sign, a meaning, a solution, or a great teacher. I wish my cat didn't stink.
smelly cat song.
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