You have grace periods through depression. Why does it have to be just a grace period, can't there be just grace.....period? Is this what I am suppose to be finding deep inside myself....grace?
Oh no, I wish I didn't realize the irony in that sentence. No I don't need to turn into someone named Grace. Wow, I am glad this is me typing instead of writing...I surely will forget those words soon once they disappear.
So this blog just made me sink deeper. Oh well, I know I will return and just might start realizing something I need to do for myself spiritually. I feel like I am in one of those tents in the desert with a fire burning, smoking me out. I will go for now, will check out so to speak so I can learn again. When will I stop? I don't know, but I guess every ones depression is different. Seems my depression is as I have always been, all or nothing. I am fortunate for my grace period, it was really nice this morning.
I hear footsteps above my head,
I am here, do you hear me?
I hear more footsteps going back and forth...
Do you know I am here?
I hear footsteps in my head,
I know I am here
and I hear yours.
Back to the old depression grindstone. Hopefully I won't have any interruptions. I wonder if other people go here as fast and furious, into the depths I........I had an interruption, it was my great son and daughter in wed....wed sounds better huh?
This was a glorious night full of tears, laughter and connection with the two people in the world I can connect with.....my son is the best son with the most brilliant mind EVER! What a great Easter the day I will always remember how grateful I am to be alive.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Falling in love with my Depression
What a strange place I find myself in today. I took my second dose of htp5 before bedtime. The sleep I had was amazing. I woke up next to, Mozart. I never knew he was there, but both of us were sleeping so soundly, and when we woke up, both of us were ready to get out of bed, . My usual confusion, being off balance and dread of the day was not there.
I do not know when my depression started. I am like the frog in the boiling water. I just continued to live, proud that I was "adaptable". I have discovered my best quality of adapting to every situation could be the culprit that led me to this depression. I was adapting by letting situations roll off my shoulder. Years and years of this, had me depressed and I didn't even know it.
Taking meds for depression for so many years may added to my depression by allowing me to live without emotion. I haven't had my depression meds for 3 days now. I started by taking 3/4 dose in December and monitoring my side effects of brain and body electrical impulses which as I understand are uncomfortable, but not life threatening. I am happy I took my time to wean myself off. I wonder if going off meds can lead to brain damage? This is one reason I am happy with my decision to take as long as I needed.
When I was a very young girl, my mother would go to church with me on Easter. Most Sundays, I walked to my great grandmothers house about 2 blocks away and escorted her to Sunday School. She smelled of coffee she drank from a saucer and never had her teeth in. I will always remember the quietness of her home, she did not believe in television, she was Pentecostal. I remember being a bit frightened in church when my great grandmother, Emma, interrupted sermons with standing and speaking a foreign language. This was called "speaking in tongues" as she so lovingly told me. To this day, I wonder if this was real or just her way of interrupting the sermon because she was as bored as I was.
Getting ready to go to church when my mother was also dressing up, was disaster waiting to happen. She wore hats and dresses that she never wore otherwise. She was often angry at me or dad while getting herself ready. I remember I needed to be very still on those days, not even blinking my eyes, when my mother was putting my hair into my pony tail. Too many times, I was the cause of the disaster by not staying still enough to not provoke anger by making it difficult for her to brush my hair. I dared not say her roughness hurt me, or I may get the back end of the brush on my head. I learned early to adapt, be be the great actress to keep my mom and dad from getting angry. It was scary when the fits of anger turned violent. I remember I would hide and listen to the physical fights my mom and dad were having.
Even though these fights would happen, we usually made our way out of the door and to the church. My mother would come home carrying the hydrangea, always her prize for going to church. The month of May this same thing would happen. Hydrangeas were also given at the church on Mothers days, but only to the special few that "won". The category that bestowed the award unto my mother is "Youngest Mother". She was 14 when she had me. She couldn't be over 18 years old when she happily brought home her winnings.
My mother is still alive. I don't know how or what to do about her upcoming birthday, which is April 9.
April has marked some of the greatest times and some of the worst times. My anniversary is coming up on April 6. This is the weekend my husband and I would be enjoying a weekend full of fishing, laughing, caring, but mostly just being ourselves together. I celebrate the wonderful times we had fishing together and many times we were avoiding the Easter holiday by celebrating our union at the lake. Neither one of us was too fond of Easter. I thought that all was right with the world if we had our yearly trip together. One of us would always remember to bring the bit o honeys to remember our first Easter spent together when I woke up on a brilliant Sunday morning in a tent in the wilderness to bit o honeys under my pillow.
I do not know when my depression started. I am like the frog in the boiling water. I just continued to live, proud that I was "adaptable". I have discovered my best quality of adapting to every situation could be the culprit that led me to this depression. I was adapting by letting situations roll off my shoulder. Years and years of this, had me depressed and I didn't even know it.
Taking meds for depression for so many years may added to my depression by allowing me to live without emotion. I haven't had my depression meds for 3 days now. I started by taking 3/4 dose in December and monitoring my side effects of brain and body electrical impulses which as I understand are uncomfortable, but not life threatening. I am happy I took my time to wean myself off. I wonder if going off meds can lead to brain damage? This is one reason I am happy with my decision to take as long as I needed.
When I was a very young girl, my mother would go to church with me on Easter. Most Sundays, I walked to my great grandmothers house about 2 blocks away and escorted her to Sunday School. She smelled of coffee she drank from a saucer and never had her teeth in. I will always remember the quietness of her home, she did not believe in television, she was Pentecostal. I remember being a bit frightened in church when my great grandmother, Emma, interrupted sermons with standing and speaking a foreign language. This was called "speaking in tongues" as she so lovingly told me. To this day, I wonder if this was real or just her way of interrupting the sermon because she was as bored as I was.
Getting ready to go to church when my mother was also dressing up, was disaster waiting to happen. She wore hats and dresses that she never wore otherwise. She was often angry at me or dad while getting herself ready. I remember I needed to be very still on those days, not even blinking my eyes, when my mother was putting my hair into my pony tail. Too many times, I was the cause of the disaster by not staying still enough to not provoke anger by making it difficult for her to brush my hair. I dared not say her roughness hurt me, or I may get the back end of the brush on my head. I learned early to adapt, be be the great actress to keep my mom and dad from getting angry. It was scary when the fits of anger turned violent. I remember I would hide and listen to the physical fights my mom and dad were having.
Even though these fights would happen, we usually made our way out of the door and to the church. My mother would come home carrying the hydrangea, always her prize for going to church. The month of May this same thing would happen. Hydrangeas were also given at the church on Mothers days, but only to the special few that "won". The category that bestowed the award unto my mother is "Youngest Mother". She was 14 when she had me. She couldn't be over 18 years old when she happily brought home her winnings.
My mother is still alive. I don't know how or what to do about her upcoming birthday, which is April 9.
April has marked some of the greatest times and some of the worst times. My anniversary is coming up on April 6. This is the weekend my husband and I would be enjoying a weekend full of fishing, laughing, caring, but mostly just being ourselves together. I celebrate the wonderful times we had fishing together and many times we were avoiding the Easter holiday by celebrating our union at the lake. Neither one of us was too fond of Easter. I thought that all was right with the world if we had our yearly trip together. One of us would always remember to bring the bit o honeys to remember our first Easter spent together when I woke up on a brilliant Sunday morning in a tent in the wilderness to bit o honeys under my pillow.
Today, I will continue to see the greatness of my life.
I haven't spoken to my mother since Christmas. I forgive myself for needing this time away. I now know I must survive and the isolation was needed in order to get clarity and advancement of good mental health. I have healed some of the wounds of my past, so for this I am in love with my depression. I am getting closer to forgetting my mothers face that terrible Christmas weekend. The death wish she had for us both (or was it just me) was probably depression. My greatest wish is my mother could find her soul in the depths of despair and climb out of the hole as I am doing. I am no where near the top, but maybe half way up? We will see. There is no measuring stick. I don't know if I can have a healthy relationship with my mother. She is human, has those same human traits as I do. How can I anger her so? Is her anger with herself but placed onto me by some warped coping device? Can I make myself strong enough to be truthful with her? Does she deserve or can she handle the truth? Should I rise up above what she can or can not do and just be with her? How do I let her negative emotions, her berating, her negative judgement, and her needs of being loved and adored by me, without loosing myself? Do I adore her? The answer to that question is no. Do I still have guilt that my parents are older with health problems and are now being shunned by their only two offspring? The grandchildren have no desire to be the pawns. I have not taken the grandchildren away. They are old enough to know what they could loose if they too try to meet the needs of my mother. Does this effect the grandchildren (my nephew and my own children).
My nephew (my sisters dear sweet boy) is having his first baby. It is a boy. What a blessing it would have been if we could all share in this wonderful cycle of life. My sister knows her limits and has set the boundary which isolates her. I feel her pain. I forgive her for not being able to cope with having a relationship with me. I no longer ask why. I now know what she has been through. My hope for her is to go deep within and out again having the strength to learn from the deep dark abyss. This is how I have come to this day, my greatest pleasure only out of the depths of pain could this day be so blessed.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Falling in Love
I am happy I feel good enough to go to a party, but on second thought, I am staying home. I am happy to be here alone and have found I am getting sleepy. Maybe my lifestyle would be more suited to the tea at 2p.m. instead of loud bands, a lot of people, and being the oldest in the crowd.
Teachers keep coming into my life. Today I was sitting on the porch getting my light therapy. I spoke with a neighbor I had spoken to in passing once or twice. She asked me how I was, well...what do you say? I say, well, I am coming out of a depression. Have you ever been depressed?
She says, she has and she put my phone number into her phone. I commented on how wonderful she looked today, and she said, "Well, this is all part of it". Wow, how I connected to that one. She said, also she wants to call me sometime to have coffee. I think I have found some ways to get to my step 5, which I told you I had a preview of, but couldn't quite seeing myself to that point.
Looking a facebook tonight, here comes another one....with this, and I quote:
Teachers keep coming into my life. Today I was sitting on the porch getting my light therapy. I spoke with a neighbor I had spoken to in passing once or twice. She asked me how I was, well...what do you say? I say, well, I am coming out of a depression. Have you ever been depressed?
She says, she has and she put my phone number into her phone. I commented on how wonderful she looked today, and she said, "Well, this is all part of it". Wow, how I connected to that one. She said, also she wants to call me sometime to have coffee. I think I have found some ways to get to my step 5, which I told you I had a preview of, but couldn't quite seeing myself to that point.
Looking a facebook tonight, here comes another one....with this, and I quote:
This could be the last this bloggin crap
Because this and other good days should have been hand written in a journal! I just discovered something that no matter how much others told me, I just couldn't believe. This Happens! This being depression over life changes. People do it. I want everyone to know, you can get over it. I have the strongest belief now, and I AM NOT CURED...by no means, but the beauty of it is I realized something today....
I am worthy of having fun!
I say this next one in a whisper, just in case it isn't true, but I believe tonight that,
If you truly spiritually ask for a teacher, the teacher will come.
and in its own time.
AND THIS I AM SCREAMING
Going to a party tonight!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Step Four - I imagine I need this one the most
Here is my lesson. This lesson may be difficult for me, because it is all mind work which usually leads to tears and feelings and despair, then the awful pain. Just give me a chore, like the light therapy, it was much easier. So here I go, another three days of working the steps before I get the dreaded socialization step.
“Take the first step in faith.
You don't have to see the whole staircase.
Just take the first step.”
– Martin Luther King Jr.
I want it all....I want it now
That title must be song, it popped into my head while doing research. I received my fourth step this morning. The days I receive my www.cure-your-depression.com link, I research for more and more. I saw this morning a briefing to my next step. What I did is allow my mind to race forward, almost ignoring my beloved fourth step. It seems I don't have patience that I should have of waiting for the next step to come.
In my search I found this web sight offering helpful ways to work my 5th step: Here is the link for my next step.
Whoa, wind sockie, slow down.
My step today is one I have been doing off and on, but as most things with depression, somehow they slip out of your mind. Today I will focus on overcoming my negative thoughts. I will write affirmations so I will have them on hand. Here are a few:
In my search I found this web sight offering helpful ways to work my 5th step: Here is the link for my next step.
Whoa, wind sockie, slow down.
My step today is one I have been doing off and on, but as most things with depression, somehow they slip out of your mind. Today I will focus on overcoming my negative thoughts. I will write affirmations so I will have them on hand. Here are a few:
1. I am smart!
2. I am confident
3. I am pain free and eat healthy
4. I am adjusting to the single life
5. I am worth this time to heal
6. I am worthy of happiness
7. I am beautiful
8. I have a lot to offer the world.
9. I keep my mind open to new things
10. I am all I believe I am and I believe them all
What a list, but first I must breathe. My sub conscience mind must be imprinted with these affirmations. I have read suggestions to put a rubber band on your arm and snap it when you say negative things and learn an affirmation to speak it out loud. I also read it takes at least 30 days to change the sub conscience mind. I doubt I can change it by doing this one day and not the next. This is my plight in life, to continue with the good and take the garbage out.
Speaking of garbage, I also need to declutter to have a healthier mind, so I need to take out my own garbage. So simple, but someone who is depressed will often find it hard to do the smallest things in life. I will have breakthrough if I only take my garbage out literally and figuratively.
Bless you, bless me, bless the world
Be grateful for what you do have
We can always find others with more difficult trials to overcome, this does not mean yours are not as important
Thursday, March 28, 2013
What? Another good day? I am blessed....
I was so sick last night, but this morning??? What is this? Crap...I just figured it out, I have some manic depression going on.
I wanted to get away from that last sentence. Not time to go there NOW....save that for a rainy day, maybe after I figure out if I am going to be able to work.
I wanted to get away from that last sentence. I have said before, the words I type just float away. What I write in the journal seems to stay and stay and stay....
and grow and grow and grow
This is going to be my last paragraph, I hope I can keep it short. Anxiously awaiting my 4th step. It really is genius how they give you about three days to let the last soak in? It is kind of like a lovely grace period. If you can't do it the first day, the second day is just fine....I wish the electric company would give grace periods! Money doesn't even scare me now. This day was just a wonderful fresh air kind of day. I took myself out to breakfast. The breakfast was too big and I sat eating about an hour but never finished it. The waitress kept asking me during my breaks, are you through? Heck NO. I hadn't even broke the egg yolk yet??? I couldn't believe she was already wanting to take it. I left there, went to the notary, stopped at a garage sale. Why does any kind of shopping make me need to move my bowels? Ran home and had BM, played with Mozart, headed back out the door, went to get food stamps, stayed there all day. Thirsty, but not hungry, I stopped for a happy hour strawberry-lime slushie at Sonic.... ONE HALF PRICE! My half empty cup today is not only half full, but IT IS OVERFLOWING!
I wanted to get away from that last sentence. Not time to go there NOW....save that for a rainy day, maybe after I figure out if I am going to be able to work.
I wanted to get away from that last sentence. I have said before, the words I type just float away. What I write in the journal seems to stay and stay and stay....
and grow and grow and grow
This is going to be my last paragraph, I hope I can keep it short. Anxiously awaiting my 4th step. It really is genius how they give you about three days to let the last soak in? It is kind of like a lovely grace period. If you can't do it the first day, the second day is just fine....I wish the electric company would give grace periods! Money doesn't even scare me now. This day was just a wonderful fresh air kind of day. I took myself out to breakfast. The breakfast was too big and I sat eating about an hour but never finished it. The waitress kept asking me during my breaks, are you through? Heck NO. I hadn't even broke the egg yolk yet??? I couldn't believe she was already wanting to take it. I left there, went to the notary, stopped at a garage sale. Why does any kind of shopping make me need to move my bowels? Ran home and had BM, played with Mozart, headed back out the door, went to get food stamps, stayed there all day. Thirsty, but not hungry, I stopped for a happy hour strawberry-lime slushie at Sonic.... ONE HALF PRICE! My half empty cup today is not only half full, but IT IS OVERFLOWING!
Instructions for a Bad Day - Shane Koyczan Pink Shirt Day Student Collab...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnFAGgKB-wA&list=UUKwpJb8i4HujUYCcHO29pAQ&index=6
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Therapy Session
Cat is a good distraction and gives me a lot of loving. Proving to be my best decision yet. I woke up, cleaned litter box, did internet search for a job, found one that may be a potential. Submitted my resume, and received a call. Went to voice mail. By the afternoon, I couldn't even think of doing a job interview.
Did my light therapy eating lunch on the porch in the sunlight. I believe I took my supplements, but I couldn't remember. My lunch was turkey, so this may be why my afternoon felt so bad. The pain in my chest, the prickly porcupine running through me, chest pounding, confusion, blurry vision, they call came back. I also had all the depressing thoughts, the feeling of despair.
Talked to my son and my daughter in law this evening. It was a great conversation. I wish he was my therapist. He should have studied psychology instead of physics. They keep saying is okay to lay around and watch Netflix. I am trying hard to believe them. Starting an episode of "Lost". I hope I get lost in it.
Did my light therapy eating lunch on the porch in the sunlight. I believe I took my supplements, but I couldn't remember. My lunch was turkey, so this may be why my afternoon felt so bad. The pain in my chest, the prickly porcupine running through me, chest pounding, confusion, blurry vision, they call came back. I also had all the depressing thoughts, the feeling of despair.
Talked to my son and my daughter in law this evening. It was a great conversation. I wish he was my therapist. He should have studied psychology instead of physics. They keep saying is okay to lay around and watch Netflix. I am trying hard to believe them. Starting an episode of "Lost". I hope I get lost in it.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Third Installment
A good day, two in a row. I received my awaited third step to the 6 step program. It was light therapy. Today I called in an order with a local health food restaurant, had them delivery a salmon wrap with spinach. I do not eat salmon, but it was great. I waited on the front porch for it to arrive. The sun was shining and I was getting my nourishment of light and food. I ate outside, then went around in the neighborhood picking up trash. If you are reading and you don't have the energy to get out to get something healthy or prepare something for your self, go to the facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/grubhub GET PROMO CODE then search the internet for the Grubhub if it is in your area. The promo code is for 10 dollars off your first order. Since I had the coupon code, I ordered a cold turkey sandwich for dinner. I doubt I will be hungry, but I will try to eat part of it, and the rest can be tomorrows lunch.
What did I accomplish? My first three steps!
Exercise
Omega 3's, and Magnesium
Light Therapy
Not crying was not in my plan, but sometimes crying is good. I guess I had issues that needed releasing. Relationships suffer when you are depressed. I am fortunate my depression doesn't have to touch too many people at this time. I did get a couple of errands done, but didn't have to leave my house to do it thanks to the computer. I am satisfied with the day, but feeling a bit uncomfortable tonight. The old porcupine is running through my torso again. Gotta go, Mozart wants to type, and I doubt he is very good with words...
meow
Third Program installment
Feeling good this morning. Fell in love with my new companion last night. He is so sweet and loving. Pets are healing. It gets me outside my miserable self and gives me something to take care of. I believe when I am my own worst enemy, I need the break of working on myself. Today, I will do those errands I didn't do yesterday. Driving my car is very difficult for me after being locked up and not really knowing the streets. I am always making wrong turns, getting lost and unsure of seeing out the windshield. The light is too bright and my third installment of the "cure-for-depression.com" program is about light therapy. I will get outside today. I would rather stay in and watch my new friend Mozart, but at least he will have time to do some discovery of the apartment while I am gone. I will have something to look forward to when I return home.
http://www.cure-your-depression.com/6steps_3.html
I believe this journey happened for a reason. I have seen profound moments in depression where everything starts to be clear even though it is difficult to look at sometimes.
I had a wonderful connection to someone in my past yesterday who happened to message me. When you need a teacher, they will come, just ask. I asked and this lady came into my life at a time I was open to hearing what she had to say. We talked about co-dependency. I knew something about it already. She mention her co-dependency and how it happens when you grow up in an abusive home. She has been receiving therapy for hers. She is doing mirror therapy and says it has really helped her.
\http://www.selfhelpgoddess.com/selflove-exercise.html.
I have had other times in my life that caused depression but never as bad as this.. I realize I have never been good as a friend. I never gave 50%. I wouldn't call and cultivate the friendship, expecting others to call me. I just didn't feel I had the time, energy or anything to offer. I felt I didn't want to be a bother. Sometimes friendships don't have to be give and take, they can just be, but you have to do your share of the connecting.
The mind is a powerful thing. If I don't feed it in a healthy positive manner, the depression grows and grows to where I can't stand it any longer, especially when I have been physically effected by it.
http://www.cure-your-depression.com/6steps_3.html
I believe this journey happened for a reason. I have seen profound moments in depression where everything starts to be clear even though it is difficult to look at sometimes.
I had a wonderful connection to someone in my past yesterday who happened to message me. When you need a teacher, they will come, just ask. I asked and this lady came into my life at a time I was open to hearing what she had to say. We talked about co-dependency. I knew something about it already. She mention her co-dependency and how it happens when you grow up in an abusive home. She has been receiving therapy for hers. She is doing mirror therapy and says it has really helped her.
\http://www.selfhelpgoddess.com/selflove-exercise.html.
I have had other times in my life that caused depression but never as bad as this.. I realize I have never been good as a friend. I never gave 50%. I wouldn't call and cultivate the friendship, expecting others to call me. I just didn't feel I had the time, energy or anything to offer. I felt I didn't want to be a bother. Sometimes friendships don't have to be give and take, they can just be, but you have to do your share of the connecting.
The mind is a powerful thing. If I don't feed it in a healthy positive manner, the depression grows and grows to where I can't stand it any longer, especially when I have been physically effected by it.
When you are open to learn, the teacher will come in some form or another, just keep your heart open to it.
Friends are a lifeline to overcoming depression.
My dear friend gave me so much advice in a caring but truthful way. I will never forget her for this and will soon do my part to continue our friendship. She told me, "I will not call you, you will have to call me next". What courage and strength she has to open up to me in this way. We do have a lot in common, and I want to continue to cultivate this new/old friendship.
Today, I am encouraged. I will also get a calender so I can see the days passing so I won't be so inclined to let the days pass into months before I realize what month or year it is. This blog is a measurement of my journey out of the overpowering depression I have felt for the past seven months. Where has that time gone? My daughter told me to get a calender about a month ago. It made sense but did I do it? She was my teacher that day, and I didn't even realize the profound message she was giving me.
It is 25 minutes past noon, I should get my day started. I can not forget to get my light therapy and try out my new mirror therapy. Maybe I should get the calender first and make note of this. I wouldn't want to forget to do the things that will help me heal. If you are reading this, because you are in this same boat in one way or another, I applaud you for helping yourself. The very thing you are doing now, is what I did in the beginning and took action with profound results. We can't rely on the medical profession to give us chemicals to make sure our brain functions. I know it is a good jump start for some, but for me, it may have led to my depression for years. I am down to only 1/4 dose of my Zoloff. I will be through with it soon. I have been taking it for at least 15 years, maybe longer. I am happy I may have a second chance at a normal life, once these health issues are overcome. You too may see yourself in the throws of depression. Who do we trust? Homeopathic suggestions won't kill you, at least I don't think they will. I did do more research on suggestions I received about what I will be putting in my body. I didn't go into it completely blind. I suggest you do the same. It was a renewal of hope for me. I hope it helps you too.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Best day in months. I am a proud mother of an adorable black little kitty boy.
Mozart
All right all ready. I text my daughter this evening "I got the cat, no love here". She said to give it time. Laying on my lap all curled in a little ball, my heart just opened up to the magnificence of it all.
It is not the cure all I suppose, but it might just jump start me into great mental health. It is a bit hard for me to see "mental health", typed, admitted, stamped and sealed. It is sad mental health has a connotation of something unknown, someone not the same, someone the family would not want you talking about. There is no rationality to these and some still believe this way. Education, could it help? Maybe, but will it create an environment of acceptance?
Grilled Cheese w/gouda and american cheese. Grilled in coconut oil topped with tomato pesto, and basil pesto. I was good to myself today. Why do I tense up when I read that? Do I think I don't deserve it? Of course, I am need of a mental health cleaner upper.
Tonight, two important things I must make note of:
1. Be good to yourself
2. It doesn't take long to love a pet
3. Go ahead and set your hopes up high??
so, wonder if that last statement would be good or bad in my case. One other time I thought I was cured, is there danger in setting my hopes too high? Everyone says it takes time. Does anyone think about it is what we do with that time that matters?
Sheer will and determination, wouldn't that aid in getting to the cure faster?
I tried writing in a journal. I did that so much that I got it all out, (at least I thought), but they were negative feelings and thoughts. There was anger, there was sadness, all range of emotion but most of it speaks of me wanting to die. I did this, and somehow I ended up in a carbon monoxide filled apartment. Why didn't that kill me. My mother tried to kill me, why didn't that kill me. Small intestine ulcerations, this could kill me, and many chances I have taken that could have put my life in danger. Also I keep having heartbreaks in my relationships. That is the kicker....hold on Elizabeth, I'm coming....
People use the written word to direct them to the place they want to go. Goal Setting.
Why do we expect when we write goals, they will be achieved.
Why wouldn't we expect the same true for negative feelings and thoughts like wanting to die.
Do you think some of us may have become depressed because we do write in journals negative thoughts and feelings? If you want to die, you write it in a journal, don't you think your subconscious mind might give you your wish?
So number one, two, three, four, five, six...how many times does it take for the subconscience mind to acheive it's goal.
Precious Sleep
Monday Morning, took omega 3's and magnesium. Ate almonds. Still in bed but I have 20 minutes before noon. Feeling empty but this emptiness is a relief because I am not feeling pain this morning. I really think the program is working. Looking forward to my third installment. I am committing to cleaning up the apartment today and picking up my new little cat this afternoon. Empty is much better than full of despair. I have decided to add happiness to my feelings today. I also have errands that have been put off until I might be causing myself other problems. I have goals today! If you can't get through a day, break it down, can you get by for an hour? If not, can you get by for a minute?
So there is no way to get rid of depression immediately. I did not make a 180 turn, but a 10 degree turn is better than falling deeper. The sun is shining today, funny how the sun shining makes me feel guilty when I lay in bed. I like gray days better since I feel I can hide. My other goal today is not let the weather dictate how I feel about myself. I will do the necessary work and live in the moment today and find enjoyment in a clean floor and clean dishes. I am worth it.
So there is no way to get rid of depression immediately. I did not make a 180 turn, but a 10 degree turn is better than falling deeper. The sun is shining today, funny how the sun shining makes me feel guilty when I lay in bed. I like gray days better since I feel I can hide. My other goal today is not let the weather dictate how I feel about myself. I will do the necessary work and live in the moment today and find enjoyment in a clean floor and clean dishes. I am worth it.
If you are breathing you are worth it too!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Tears Came back, not the stingy kind..
I did sleep today from 10:30 to 1:30. Feeling a bit punchy inside and my physical pain is with me, just may not be feeling as hurtful, but more uncomfortable. Anyone reading this, please know the pain of divorce may not be worth it. Always try for therapy no matter how much you think you know, it could have been depression all along? This is why I say....
Earlier today I told you about my soon to be ex husband, but for the ease of things I will call him my husband since legally at this time, this is what he is. The pain he experienced just a few months before the ending, was the very same pain he is feeling now anytime he thinks about the two tragic episodes. Last year was not the best year for him. In February, he lost his brother. It was a profound loss for him. In May, he experienced the first of the symptoms, at least as my memory holds true because he may have been experiencing those pains, but not as intensely since the day he left his brothers side one week before he died, knowing it would most likely be the last time he saw him alive. His brother had melanoma stage four, and finally succumbed to the fight the end of February, 2012.
Does this tell me, both my husband and I were depressed for so many years? Could we have married depressed? These answers I could not tell you, but I can tell you the intense feelings I had for him when we met. It was like a miracle I saw so much inside of him, and connected in a physical, spiritual way. I am not talking about sex, I am talking about the same place that hurts me today, is the same place I could feel the warmth, the glow, all the good things you could ever imagine. Maybe my head was in a cloud. But I do know, the most magical moments of my life were spent the year before we moved in together.
The beginning wasn't fun. We both had 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl. I had very grand ideas how our family could be close. I loved his children, and of course, my love for my own is very much established. How does a mother not love their own children? It doesn't happen. Even my own mother loves me in some twisted sort of way. I believe my mother has felt the pain of depression and possible was feeling it the day of the incident....but that is not what I am here to talk about...
It is depression and divorce. I hope that no person on earth would have to experience the pain of the divorce. That is why I say, seek therapy when you see yourself changing for no reason. When you find yourself withdrawing from the one you fell in love with. When you are loosing yourself and not gaining any comfort in the one who should be holding your hand in time of need. If you feel you are not being considered in the way you are leading your life. When you give up and feel you are not getting anything in return. When you come home exhausted and your partner drains more energy from you instead of replenishing that spiritual side of yourself. When you find yourself having to keep things from each other to keep the peace. If you find yourself doing things that you CAN'T tell your spouse. This is a sign, something is wrong. Like touching a hot plate, ouch! We know it is the hotplate and those injuries heal, but we do not stop to recognize this could be a sign something needs to be fixed so you can heal. If you don't feel safe to be yourself, then something is wrong.
I am not saying these are the things that happened to me or my spouse. These things were felt I am sure of it, but I believe they were felt by both of us equally.
So for now, I will try to sleep before dawn. I will get out of bed and change into my night clothes. This is what depression looks like. I think about turning into my mother and sister who lay in bed everyday but they say they love it? It is their way of life for many years now for mom, and a few years for my sister since quitting work. Oh, I may have not mentioned I have a sister, but she lives a couple of miles away from Mother. She decided to bow out of having a relationship with Mother probably 6 years ago? About three years ago, she suddenly decided to sever our relationship also. It was shocking, it was unbelievable she wouldn't see or talk to me no matter what I tried. She also refused to answer when I asked her why me?
Well, I need to find myself a good therapist it seems. Believe me, I have tried. Not as hard as a non depressed person would have tried, but remember, I have the time, because I still lay here in my bed. Am i doing this because I like it? This I will leave you with, probably the most important thing in curing your depression. I know it is for mine, but for some reason I continue to hold my breath.
That big sigh is a bit of a relief. The pain is subsiding a bit, but that uncomfortable feeling that might feel like you have porcupines on a conveyer belt rolling at a medium speed inside your torso has increased.
Earlier today I told you about my soon to be ex husband, but for the ease of things I will call him my husband since legally at this time, this is what he is. The pain he experienced just a few months before the ending, was the very same pain he is feeling now anytime he thinks about the two tragic episodes. Last year was not the best year for him. In February, he lost his brother. It was a profound loss for him. In May, he experienced the first of the symptoms, at least as my memory holds true because he may have been experiencing those pains, but not as intensely since the day he left his brothers side one week before he died, knowing it would most likely be the last time he saw him alive. His brother had melanoma stage four, and finally succumbed to the fight the end of February, 2012.
Does this tell me, both my husband and I were depressed for so many years? Could we have married depressed? These answers I could not tell you, but I can tell you the intense feelings I had for him when we met. It was like a miracle I saw so much inside of him, and connected in a physical, spiritual way. I am not talking about sex, I am talking about the same place that hurts me today, is the same place I could feel the warmth, the glow, all the good things you could ever imagine. Maybe my head was in a cloud. But I do know, the most magical moments of my life were spent the year before we moved in together.
The beginning wasn't fun. We both had 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl. I had very grand ideas how our family could be close. I loved his children, and of course, my love for my own is very much established. How does a mother not love their own children? It doesn't happen. Even my own mother loves me in some twisted sort of way. I believe my mother has felt the pain of depression and possible was feeling it the day of the incident....but that is not what I am here to talk about...
It is depression and divorce. I hope that no person on earth would have to experience the pain of the divorce. That is why I say, seek therapy when you see yourself changing for no reason. When you find yourself withdrawing from the one you fell in love with. When you are loosing yourself and not gaining any comfort in the one who should be holding your hand in time of need. If you feel you are not being considered in the way you are leading your life. When you give up and feel you are not getting anything in return. When you come home exhausted and your partner drains more energy from you instead of replenishing that spiritual side of yourself. When you find yourself having to keep things from each other to keep the peace. If you find yourself doing things that you CAN'T tell your spouse. This is a sign, something is wrong. Like touching a hot plate, ouch! We know it is the hotplate and those injuries heal, but we do not stop to recognize this could be a sign something needs to be fixed so you can heal. If you don't feel safe to be yourself, then something is wrong.
I am not saying these are the things that happened to me or my spouse. These things were felt I am sure of it, but I believe they were felt by both of us equally.
So for now, I will try to sleep before dawn. I will get out of bed and change into my night clothes. This is what depression looks like. I think about turning into my mother and sister who lay in bed everyday but they say they love it? It is their way of life for many years now for mom, and a few years for my sister since quitting work. Oh, I may have not mentioned I have a sister, but she lives a couple of miles away from Mother. She decided to bow out of having a relationship with Mother probably 6 years ago? About three years ago, she suddenly decided to sever our relationship also. It was shocking, it was unbelievable she wouldn't see or talk to me no matter what I tried. She also refused to answer when I asked her why me?
Well, I need to find myself a good therapist it seems. Believe me, I have tried. Not as hard as a non depressed person would have tried, but remember, I have the time, because I still lay here in my bed. Am i doing this because I like it? This I will leave you with, probably the most important thing in curing your depression. I know it is for mine, but for some reason I continue to hold my breath.
That big sigh is a bit of a relief. The pain is subsiding a bit, but that uncomfortable feeling that might feel like you have porcupines on a conveyer belt rolling at a medium speed inside your torso has increased.
BREATHE!
Little Sleep - No Cat Today
I did not sleep last night. I was not tired. Is it because I took my supplements? Is it just another occasional night I stay up until dawn? I heard from an acquaintance today right when I thought I could possibly fall asleep to make up for last night. We talked for a while, and just as she told me her whole world had turned upside down, I felt an overwhelming connection to her. She is also seeing life changes before her eyes, and having a hard time processing this change. I met her in the 80's when I went through my first almost breakup with my first husband. She was a new employee. A few weeks into our co-worker status, I found out my first love in high school had cheated on me with her. I never met her, only heard her name. I guess that was a bond we never broke. I have talked with her a few times through the years and even worked for her company for a while. I thought I would be working with her again, but that fell through. Just another worry on my long list of worries.
Her husband has developed Alzheimer's. I came back into her life at the very time he was being evaluated to go into long term care. The Dr. had spoken. It was time her husband could never be left a lone needing constant care. I could feel her guilt, pain and frustrations. We cried together. Nice to have someone who understands and is on your side for a change. Someone who understands why I got to the position I find myself in today.
I have to say though, I am still feeling better than I was feeling. I believe I sorted out my fatty acid problem. The flax seed won't hurt and will probably help, but I should have stuck with the recommendation of this site:
This is the second lesson, but sign up with your e-mail address to get your own!
As I mentioned it is a free course, you will receive your steps about every three days, so I suggest you go to the home page and click on 7 day course by entering your e-mail. There is also a work book to download, but I am saving that one after I complete the seven days. Mainly because I can't spend the 14 dollars at this time and if I am not cured after completing this course, it will just be another "HOPE" I will have waiting for me. I am determined to not give up, but I have found that having anything to do with a complete change in eating and moving for exercise, I have documented many times the failures I have had in those areas.
I now know I have been depressed for many many years. I just didn't let it get me down as I did with this feeling of being turned upside down and shaken to rid myself of all my past, so I will be ready for what comes next.
Another quote I will pass on that has helped me during my times I thought I was going crazy:
How do I expect to make a difference in this world if I can't get out of bed? This is day 4, unless I lost count which I guess is common in depression. The days pass by like minutes which gives me a feeling of shock and worthlessness. Why am I here on this planet taking up space? This answer may never reveal itself, but I am determined to be alone and have a deep spiritual connection. Maybe the next installment will be an answer and by the seventh lesson, I will be whole again.
Today, I have been out of bed for one hour. I lay in bed writing this. I will get myself out of bed and feed my brain now. Good luck to you, maybe you should feed your brain too!
Her husband has developed Alzheimer's. I came back into her life at the very time he was being evaluated to go into long term care. The Dr. had spoken. It was time her husband could never be left a lone needing constant care. I could feel her guilt, pain and frustrations. We cried together. Nice to have someone who understands and is on your side for a change. Someone who understands why I got to the position I find myself in today.
I have to say though, I am still feeling better than I was feeling. I believe I sorted out my fatty acid problem. The flax seed won't hurt and will probably help, but I should have stuck with the recommendation of this site:
This is the second lesson, but sign up with your e-mail address to get your own!
As I mentioned it is a free course, you will receive your steps about every three days, so I suggest you go to the home page and click on 7 day course by entering your e-mail. There is also a work book to download, but I am saving that one after I complete the seven days. Mainly because I can't spend the 14 dollars at this time and if I am not cured after completing this course, it will just be another "HOPE" I will have waiting for me. I am determined to not give up, but I have found that having anything to do with a complete change in eating and moving for exercise, I have documented many times the failures I have had in those areas.
I now know I have been depressed for many many years. I just didn't let it get me down as I did with this feeling of being turned upside down and shaken to rid myself of all my past, so I will be ready for what comes next.
Another quote I will pass on that has helped me during my times I thought I was going crazy:
Depression is not psychosis!
In my last post, I spoke of the ways I tried to connect with my ex. I am not saying I quit, but I had resided myself again that I would not speak to him because the avoidance of answers to my e-mails went unanswered. I am used to knowing that he is breathing and adapting to life's struggles. I was used to listening to him everyday not to mention seeing him and knowing he is alive a well. Low and behold, he answered my e-mail and spoke to the question I had about the physical pain of depression. He has had what seems like shingles, but no rash. I remember one of the last months we were together, he had this same condition, but it went away. Was this is sign of things to come? Did this mysterious nerve pain come on because he was also in depression then? I know now I was depressed because I have felt the freedom of being myself. This has only been the last three days, this is my fourth day of improvement. This raises all kind of questions and I want to discuss with him this program I am on. It seems this nerve condition is manifested by his own depression. I can't imagine the pain he is experiencing. When he thinks about our divorce or his brothers death which all came upon him this year, he experiences the pain. It physically hurts, just not the same pain I have had. I can only guess it may be harder than what I am going through.
If you found your way here because you are also going through a divorce, please note, that your spouse is going through his own kind of pain that is personal to him. Your spouse should be treated with the respect you want for others to treat you. There is no blame here. It just is. It doesn't matter what started the realization that things were not right in your marriage. It doesn't matter that one of you had no more energy to invest in a dead end relationship. We could have ended up being sick together in our 70's or 80's. Depression will rear its ugly head even if you didn't know you were depressed. I thought socially isolating myself, not being able to even get my butt up to clean the house was something that "just was". I didn't realize my energy for anything outside of zoning out in front of the tv, or working on my crafts all the while with grand plans to get the house cleaned and redecorated each and every weekend. I got by, but I was stuck inside depression and tried to tell myself I was fine. Once a few years back, my lovely daughter asked me, "Mom? Are you lonely?. The question shocked me since I was married, she was single and she is asking me if I was lonely? I couldn't answer her that day or even four days ago, but the answer to that question is yes!
I am doing all I can to get myself up and out of bed and it is working. I am giving myself a pat on the back which is not common for me. I decided since my precious, loving and adorable companion was left with my husband, another cat could be the cure I need. I never lived alone and I am 58 years old! No wonder I have had some "issues" of sadness but I am determined today not to let them get me down. I did however, change the day to pick up my new cat from the adoption agency. I am lucky, the cat will not cost $$ but I will however need to pull myself up by my boot strings and get out the door to buy the litter box, liter, food and accessories. Just as I am spending what I need to, I am hoping this addition to my new apartment will be better than any supplement I will need to buy. I am afraid I would sign over all my divorce settlement just to ease the pain I have been suffering through. Maybe, maybe not, because one of the reasons I became depressed was fear of not supporting myself. I am shocked of where I came from and where I am now. It is as if I am becoming a different person. I hope this different person I become is one of compassion for others but mostly compassion for myself.
How do I expect to make a difference in this world if I can't get out of bed? This is day 4, unless I lost count which I guess is common in depression. The days pass by like minutes which gives me a feeling of shock and worthlessness. Why am I here on this planet taking up space? This answer may never reveal itself, but I am determined to be alone and have a deep spiritual connection. Maybe the next installment will be an answer and by the seventh lesson, I will be whole again.
Today, I have been out of bed for one hour. I lay in bed writing this. I will get myself out of bed and feed my brain now. Good luck to you, maybe you should feed your brain too!
Finding my way out of the darkness
Married at 20.. divorced at 40,... married at 48...divorce pending....
No women past middle age wants to find themselves alone due to a divorce. I am 58 and was with my "current" ex for 17 years. A few days ago an acquaintance expressed her thoughts "I can't understand why people over 50 decide to divorce, they should just wait it out. How much time do they think they have anyway?" I had no response. I didn't know what I felt, this is actually the first person I opened up to (besides my ex, and he didn't want to hear it) about my depression, how desperate I had become hoping I would make myself die in my sleep.
Yep, this is me at a much more innocent time
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be smiling......... or have that twinkle in my eyes.
Glad I didn't know.
You are reading one woman's climb to the top of the big mountain of depression, divorce, loneliness, regrets and finally a couple good days. No, I am not out of depression, but I certainly have had worse days. There was no way during the deepest darkest times, I would have been able to express myself very clearly so this blog is the first attempt at measuring my way out of depression and tonight, I believe I will. I only remember two times this past 7 months I felt as if I could live. The last was just a couple of weeks ago, but it was after finally getting to talk to my husband. Grant you, this was during divorce property settlement talks, but I had his attention for two days. He never wanted to talk to me until then. For months I would beg and plead, just be my friend. I graveled, I would send e-mails with songs with the absurd thought it might warm his heart to me. I would send him (what I thought to be clever) texts. I thought his laughter would surely warm his heart to me. I would send e-mails to spark his guilt. I would then send e-mails declaring it was all my fault
This blog is also way to help others who may find themselves up late at night trying to ease the pain in words of wisdom from others whom have made it to the top of Mount Depression. This is a statement that proves to myself I will find a way, but I do know this, I have reached the foothills and made a few small steps. I hope if you have depression or heartbreak and you are reading this, you will see yourself in my daily struggles. Is it heartbreak causing this physical pain? Is it what everyone feels in deep depression? What was causing this?
About my achy breaky heart / opens in new window In the beginning I researched heartbreak. I was scared. I had deep pain inside my chest and my arms ached. It felt as if I was going to die but I wanted to live, maybe a reconciliation was on its way and I wouldn't want to miss out. I thought my ex would "wise up" and figure there was no way he could live without me and come serenading at my apartment bathroom window as I sit there staring at the parking lot, listening for his motorcycle or vehicle. He never came.but I sat staring out that window for three almost four months waiting, crying and hurting.
The strange thing is I don't know if I would have gone back. Did I just want him to want me for my own ego? Did I want him to show love for me, then deny him? Since I walked off my job after 3 1/2 months do I now want him to take me back to feel I have the security? Do I just want him as a companion? Is that selfish of me? When I think of him with another, I don't feel I will be sad. Am I fooling myself? What if I never really kick this depression? What if I can't get out of bed early enough to ever look for a job? Do I have it in me to do the same type of work I did before? Will I still have passion and love for my patients? Do I need to work at a fast food restaurant instead? Maybe I could be a waitress and work in the evenings, this way I could have all day to sleep or get ready for work. I doubt I have what it takes to be a waitress, it is damn hard work.
These are still my current struggles and I am showing my self doubt. Since I have been trying hard to eliminate those negative thoughts, I will move to another subject.
If you went to the link I provided, the Natural Academy of Sciences, told me to breathe, eat too much ice cream, call in sick and sleep all day. Its inclination was the first few days. How about 7 months of this? Who moves into a sublease, then walks off the best job ever, and moves to another state all within the first four months? I do, and believe me, I am questioning my decision making skills big time! Yikes, there is that self doubt raising it's ugly head, and wasn't that just a minute ago I told myself I wasn't going to go there? This is the first day I intentionally stayed away from the ice cream, I DON'T want to go there!
The list of rules (probably suggestions, but as usual I go by the book) also suggest to call friends...uh friends? I had wrapped myself around one friend my husband. My mother and father are living in another state, but I have been a co-dependent to my mothers gambling for years now, paying bills, prescriptions, food and of course money she fed to the slots when their social security check would last for a few hours at the Casinos. Like mother like daughter. I had beat my gambling addiction several years earlier. Oops, I shouldn't say beat it, once a gambler always a gambler, but I found a way to live without gambling in my own life by self exclusion from the Casinos I had access to. I also attended Gamblers Anonymous. I was a really good enabler, because I had a great understanding of the disease of addiction. I always believed my mother when she promised me month after month after month, she wouldn't go again. I was encouraged when she went to one GA meeting. I was encouraged by her signing herself off, only to find out she didn't, then later signing off with individual casinos, but not the one closest to her home. The co-dependency is much more complicated since I wasn't just giving to my mother, I was receiving praise from her with statements, as an example, "you saved my life". Anytime anyone tells you, you saved their life, it does make one feel a bit superior. I wonder now if it made me feel any more loved? I know she was nicer to me when I had the money to give.
My mother would consider me as a friend in the first couple of months of my separation. She made it a point to talk to me every day. Sometimes 2 and three times a day. Only a few times talking with her made me feel a little better. Most of the time I felt worse after ending the call. My mother ruined any hopes of a relationship with me this past Christmas, when a rather innocent and truthful statement came out of my mouth, and she decided to try to run the car off a bridge with me as a passenger. I don't want to get too involved with this story. I can't say the pain I feel is any different after a near death experience seeing my life flash before my eyes. I guess I wanted to live that day, or else I wouldn't have grabbed the wheel screaming to stop the car and let me out. This was just a month after I searched for ways to end it all.
So, when people don't create and keep friends because they are so wrapped up in their spouse, parents and children, and all you have left are your children, who else do you turn to? I do not want to be an emotional or financial burden on them. I don't want to worry them. I want them to be proud of me, but how in the hell can I think they could be proud of me in the position I have allowed myself to be in?
I haven't seen or talked to my mother since December 24, 2012. This is my time. This is my depression to conquer. I have a reason to live. I have a reason to not kill myself as I decided I would do last November. I probably would have done it, but researching the best ways to kill oneself never had a 100% guarantee that I wouldn't end up in a vegetative state. I couldn't leave it to my two wonderful adult children to pull the plug, I had a responsibility to them to keep living despite the profound pain I was in.
I have had health issues which leads me to think my death wish was trying to play itself out. I believe our thoughts can make us sick or put us in dangerous situations. I believe I have had some warped thinking through this depression. I went to my daughters birthday party last night. Maybe this was the reason I am able to express my thoughts today, because it was the first time in a while since I socialized. One of my daughters friends talked with me about his depression. The worthless feelings of failure, and how those feelings are "a trick". Oh? If that is true, and I believe it may be, then this depression and pain I feel is false. Could the physical pain actually be false too? If I had clinical depression without depressive incidence, would I still feel this pain? Something to ponder someday, but for now, I am trying to get out of myself. Please respond to this question if you have or had depression. Explain if you experienced the physical pain really deep in your chest, with aching arms and an overall feeling of Malaise. Any physical symptoms at all, I would love to hear from you. Also, bless you if you are currently experiencing this. If it is any comfort at all, you are not alone. I know when I hear that, it doesn't stay with me for long. Logically, I know everyone has trials and tribulations and a whole lot of people with greater problems than depression. I just wonder if all people going through a divorce feel physical pain. How long does it last? I can tell you, mine has eased, but just this past three days.
This past week, I forced myself to get out of bed and brush my teeth. It will be horrible if (strike that) WHEN I cure myself of my depression, I had rotten teeth? I wouldn't be able to afford a dentist and I wouldn't be able to get the best jobs. I subscribed to a web site listing seven steps to cure your depression. It suggested exercise so I walked most days or at least went outside which I wasn't doing upon weeks on end. I didn't enjoy it. My son told me that I don't have to enjoy it, and wow, did that one idea speak to me loudly. Am I not grown up enough to not need to enjoy something I am doing? Would I classify this last question as self doubt? I don't think it is doubt, it is maybe the truth. Sometimes we just have to look inside or we will just stop evolving. Is this something I need to learn?
The free program I happened upon has a link just below this post. I received my 2nd installment today. I went to Whole Foods, bought fish, almonds, some magnesium supplements, flax seed oil for extra Omega 3's, (but maybe I should have gotten fish oil). A helper at Whole Foods talked me out the fish oil. I will be researching the differences it could play upon curing my depression. If anyone wants to research it with me, and wants to share, I would be oh so happy!
Wouldn't it be great if I just made a complete 180? What if how I am feeling now, will be how I will be feeling in the morning? It hasn't happened yet, but I will tell you in the morning. It is very late and I need to get to bed. The most comforting thought I am going to take to bed is-
"Congratulate yourself for being human"
I have just seen my first signs of starting up that hill. I just realized, I have not had one tear today. This hasn't happened since Sept 1, 2012. Mountain top, here I come!
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