The Victory Tour

The wonderful thing about living with a psychotic mother was, I have some real doozies to tell, but up until now, I kept them secret out of respect for my mother.  Funny thing, my mother never kept a secret for me...even after promises. 

I can gladly say I can look back and laugh at this one funny time when I didn't know it, but I was pregnant with my daughter. 

My son, Marshall was infatuated with Micheal Jackson.  He insisted his new preschool teachers call him Micheal.  I don't know if he got it from me, but I had been in love with Micheal since high school.  I was once caught by a teacher dancing and singing abc in a back room when I was suppose to be elsewhere.
 I took a chance when the Victory Tour rolled around and entered the lottery for seats and waited.  When I heard, we rejoiced.  The trip was on and soon we rolled out of town, my sister, my mother, my son and me.

I recalled checking into the room we all shared and heading off to the Stadium.  It was exciting for me, and I hope it was for all.  I remember my sister designating a drop off and pick up point, so mom wouldn't have walk so far.  Mother took Marshall and stood at that gate until we parked the car.  We made note of the landmarks with Mom, so she can remember where she will be standing when we go get the car after the concert was over.  Everyone agreed and nodded.  We all knew the landmarks.

I remember loving the concert and once Thriller "monsters" were over, Marshall was loving it too.  About the concert, Micheal Jackson had a lot of soul and I miss him being in the world. 

Mom encouraged me and my sister to rush forward to get the car and she would take her time getting to the designated gate and insures us she knows which one.  Lines of cars, but we finally made it to the gate and didn't see mom and Marshall.  We waited, but finally we realized she must have gone to the wrong gate.  The parking lot was slowly emptying and we made our way around to other gates, but we couldn't find them.  In no time, the parking lot was almost empty and we went back to security the second time, crying telling them it must be foul play.  Finally making one last round when the stadium lights were being turned off, we see Mom and Marshall, and we get out of the car with our arms wide open, so thankful they were alive and safe.  Mother took Marshall by the arm and walked away toward a pay phone. 

Confusion sets in, as it always did when we are going to have to keep calm and continue explaining what might have happened so mom wouldn't be so mad.  There was never a day in my or my sisters life we did something specifically to hurt mom as she claims we have done.  This was one of those times, but regardless, she was very angry.  Pleading or explaining just continued playing out the obvious, things were getting out of hand.  She wouldn't get in the car, she was waiting for the cab to pick her up and I couldn't take Marshall.  I pleaded until the time the cab drove away with my mom and Marshall in tow. 

Funny thing is, she was taking a cab to the very place we were all going, the room we were staying in together.  I can't remember much after that, I just remember it was a crazy, and very uncomfortable trip.  I am sure my sister and I apologized over and over again for whatever perceived crime we had done against her. 

We always did what she said, it was easier?  We were crazy?  We ARE of course scarred of the screaming and threats of suicide, or the constant putting us down for whatever negative label she is sticking to us that day.  I was also concerned about my four year old son seeing a display of anger that I knew all too well coming from my own Mother. I kept her secrets back then.  Today, her secrets affected me deeply so I may share one or two of the humorous or mild ones. 

Mom developed a terrible since of direction back then.  Now, I am noticing like mother like daughter, I get lost going to the neighborhood grocery store.  I want to blame it on the depression, but I am not so sure.

I have another chance to visit memories of Micheal Jackson at a dance recital tomorrow afternoon.  This a smaller venue but worthy of note I will not be pregnant during this performance.  I remember the Victory Tour, I had nausea and dizziness.  Sinus's were in an uproar too.  I visited a doctor who prescribed steroids.  I had not a clue I was pregnant and I couldn't believe with the symptoms I was having, a doctor might not have suggested it to me.  Regardless, I researched what effects these medicines had on unborn babies.  I had already had one baby with a birth defect, and didn't even take tylenol through that pregnancy.  The research had me convinced this baby would have a cleft palette...she was born with rosebud lips.

Also, I won't be returning from this performance shell shocked after promising not to tell anyone about the mix up.  And just because I can now laugh at this incident does not mean I could contact my mother at this time.  Next time I might tell you about the trip to Atlantic City, another doozie..

   .     

Dear Karl

'''remember our initials on the tree at black kettle?  remember they burned that tree several years ago.  i thought back then it was a sign, but ignored it....for that i am sorry.....i should have stopped the train but I didn't know how....in my own way i was trying very hard....i failed and took those years away from each of us.....ditto for you?

People, peeps, persons of interest, gangs, friends, family, outlaws, inlaws, crew, team, humans and creatures

Papers giving me rights to work and drive, do I not have the ability to secure these sacred documents?  Maybe i just need patience and a positive thought they will come in time when they are suppose to come.  Depression grows each night.  Could I be suppressing depressed feelings during the day, so when I get into my car driving home, is the depression stronger because of the fake grins, and fake attitude that all is right in my world.  Maybe everything is right in my world, but I can't see it.

Depression is physical/mental/spiritual but is it necessary?  Will I ever beat this?  Will it ever beat me?

I see many people without partners and they seem fine or do they have fake grins and attitudes too?
I never wanted to be single, heck I am the one that dreamed of waling down the isle when I was 5 years old and I have the memory of mama buying the bride doll, so this I am sure of.  I never dreamed I would grow old with no one to grow old with. 

Speaking of mama, I let mothers day pass without contacting my mother.  I don't speak of why or what happened because the incident that woke me up isn't the only reason I don't talk to mother.  Now writing this, I am feel a great panic and pressure in my chest.  I would never ever not called my mother on mothers day.  The fear would have been too great.  I always wanted to give her the best, I went overboard most years.

Of course I love her too and wish someone was there to wish her a happy mothers day.   I guess I love her, as I am shocked we must all be born with love for our mothers.   I just don't have anything to give her now.  Will be be forever?  I don't want to deal with it now.  What is right?  What do I do?  Why does it have to be this way?  uh oh, i know I am not suppose to be asking the "why" questions.

and then the biggest grief is my divorce.  grow old alone.  why can't I see the beauty of the freedom I feel once in a while?  

Those two people were my only friends....it was my husband and mother.  It left a big big hole inside, because they were not small people.  Both were complicated and took a big chunk of mind, and spirit for me to appease.  Now I only have myself to please.  What is wrong with this picture?  Isn't that suppose to make me happy?  Is happiness the goal?  I don't think so.  Happiness is temporary.  I think today my goal is to keep climbing out of this depression and not look to others to help me....only I can help myself, so tonight I will ask for another sign, a meaning, a solution, or a great teacher.  I wish my cat didn't stink.
smelly cat song. 

Depression and Confusion

I worked all the steps and had unbelievable improvement.  These steps are of my creations received through learning from my family, friends, internet, books, meditation and doctors. 

I need to make a check list, just because I am busier now, I let a few things slip away without even a thought.  It is too easy to do and the results have me in my bed.  I am not hitting rock bottom, I am just feeling confused but the depressed feelings are back physical but not debilitating.  My mind is the defect which had me in my bed feeling worthless again. 

It is not rock bottom, it is not even major because I know I will do what I need to do to survive.  By doing this, I will be filling a big hole, I haven't made a difference in anyone's life in so long.  Wouldn't it be cool if I found a deeper meaning in my work than I have already experienced?  . I don't know if it is possible, but life seems to hand me surprises giving me greater joy than previously experienced. 

Wouldn't it be cool if the rest of all of life, we had better, bigger and deeper joy as the days pass by?  Am I feeling this way because of having cut away all my roots?  I guess I haven't felt the "real" I belong place in a long time.  I almost feel I am acting like I belong and soon I will believe it.  When I get all these legal, employment, housing, and financial decisions out of the way, I can finally start sprouting a root or two.  I am dangling.....

corn and broccoli

 and a rasperry

Beautiful story and I relate

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Thanks to everyone

How fast life can change, better embrace it or you will get lost.  I got lost, then found, then lost and so on....but now in this instance, I am found.

I guess everyone wants to live in the moment, but when the moments are not feeling good, then why live in it?
I could try to answer that question, maybe because if we were truly there in that very moment without negative emotions, then maybe we would want to be there.

How does one escape negative emotions?  I am not sure, but if anyone wants to offer suggestions, I am open to hearing and trying anything that works.

I went to Stillwater today to seal the deal....and I did.  I met with my new partner and had the best Mexican food since living in Oklahoma previous to moving to St. Louis.  St. Louis has the best ever Italian food.  Spedini's you should try them.  I made some on the grill and fed to the few dinner guests we had, it was delicious for all. 

I am seeing the "big" picture where friends are concerned.  I don't want to loose my friends, and by accepting this position, I need to call a friend tonight and apologize.  Hopefully she can forgive me.  I didn't share this week with her, and she is going to think it happened over time, when it actually only happened this week.

I also gained a friend today, so I hope to keep the one I have....1 plus 1 = 2    Two friends, I don't know if I ever had two good friends in my whole life.  I knew I was definitely going to accept the positions after having lunch.  That friend is golden and I will treat her as such.  I don't believe I ever connected so quickly to anyone before.  She is smart, beautiful and we have many of the same values.

If that wasn't just the bomb, I drove around the corner to my ex step sons business.  I saw a young woman drive up and go inside with the key.  I knew it was unlikely I would see my step son.  I had not talked with him since the divorce.  I had sent a face book message asking if we could be friends.or at least keep up with each other, just after the breakup.  He never answered so I took that as a no.

The lady came out of the bathroom as I entered the store.  I asked if Jeremy was around.  She said no but asked if she could help me.  I told her I was Jeremy's ex-step mom.  She embraced me and let me know Jeremy needs me in his life...we couldn't stop talking about how wonderful Jeremy is.  She told me about Coda, his dog had cancer.  More tears....

As I write I am crying just because I can.  How lucky can I be?  I got lost getting out of town and ended up in a complete circle.  I drove by the store and saw Jeremy's truck.  We had a real good talk and am hopeful we will get to know each other better since the dynamics with his father is taken away from our connection to one another.  I have always loved Jeremy and wish I could treat him as I do my own children  Now I have been given this very opportunity.  How blessed I am.

Thank you to everyone who offered me positions, listened to my banter, helped me sort through the abyss, including my ex.  I love each and every one of you.  Just because I love you, doesn't mean I will forsake who I am by living with you.

tonight there is no one I would rather be alone with.....

me

Employed!!!

Depression no more, just a very deep sadness at times...but maybe we should all experience this.  It has made me appreciate the better days and some of those days have moments that move me to tears of sadness and but sometimes tears of joy.  My insecurities have reared their ugly head, but I realize my depression remedies have been hit and miss lately.  I have been preoccupied with interviews, phone calls and just trying to get a photo id. 

I shall get out the pray rain journal and become what I want to be. 

Reflection/depression/regression/progression...who knows.

I have taken more time to reflect upon my life, the kids, the house, the feeling of being consumed with making a relationship work.  I realize how lucky I am my children are busy with those beautiful moments near someone they love and not feeling obligated to their mother.  I never developed the "no obligation theory"  where mother was concerned.  Maybe this is why I see the good in my children not feeling responsible to call me.  I rejoice the fact I don't have to have them call me.  I rejoice when I know they are calling because they want to.

I continue to see my value each day.  I discover the reasons I feel the way I feel.  I know I am in a vulnerable state and the wrong people could do damage.  I realize living the apartment life, you can't just do what you do in a house.  You have to get used to the sounds, accept the ones you can't figure out where they are coming from, hear knocking and can't tell if it is your door or another, you have to decide if you are going to even answer the door and if there is a way they can tell you are in here.

I sit here night after beautiful night enjoying my vacation from life.  It will end soon.  I am slowly entering into a new world.  I guess I am doing what I am born to do, and when I go to work, I will be accomplishing more of the same but at a higher level.

When we feel we need to know the answers, the answers will come, but not until we need to know.

(well doesn't that sound wise, but maybe it is not.) but I said it so it must be at least for me.

Love lost...lost...lost...

I had a reason for reflection on my "love life" today.  Someone asked me are you afraid to love?  I don't think this is it in the least.  I just feel I have a lot of work to do on myself to be a whole person.  I don't know if it will take me a lifetime and I will choose not to love again, or I fall madly in love when I am 95.  Who knows right? 

My life will be full of laughter and travel.  I don't feel the need to have that "one special" person in my life.  I wouldn't mind a few friends now and then.  I shielded myself for a long time to friends.  I hadn't had a real friend since my first marriage.  My friends consisted of my immediately family or spouse.

Will I be a good friend?  I don't know.  I do get wrapped up thinking about all I need to do and if I had a friend, would I have the time needed to think of these things?  Now of course, I know this is absurd, but what can I say.....

I will continue my path to recovery while making my way back to society.  I will be working soon.  It is what I need, and hey, I find my patients are my friends when I am working.  I used to get so many nice gifts for no reason at all!

...or maybe they appreciated a  good friend?  Maybe I do have what it takes, but I won't know until I try.
  

Saturday with my "new love"

It is a lazy Saturday afternoon and I am not feeling guilty about my own laziness.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  If we are not being productive, then we must be worthless.  This lazy Saturday afternoon, I am finding what life is all about.  I am spending time with my new love.  I left him alone when I went on my trip to St. Louis and worried about his feelings of abandonment.  We have both grown so close since the first day we met.  That first day thought I may not be capable of love for another.

As I am typing, his one eye is looking at me.  He is hidden behind this computer screen.  He is laying on my legs.  If I move a toe, he would probably want to pounce on it.  I just love being loved.  Most times he is in front of this keyboard and walks up my chest.  He proceeds to give me a little bite on the nose and a sniff on my lips.  He is quite the charmer.  It is easy to fall in love with this dark hair, dark eyed stranger.

Oh, how his one eye is beckoning me.  Just moments ago, we were snuggling, laughing and playing.  He is being so patient.  How alluring can one guy be?  I love his warmth when he is in my arms or spooning in my legs.

This is a true magical time.  I hope I can remember it or recreate it while dealing with all these legal issues.  If I am depressed, this is just the right amount of depressed. 

My "new love" just walked in front of the screen, up my chest.  His paw is now on my mouth.  I think he wants my full attention and I will gladly give it. 

Find Love in all Things

Tipping the scales

I have been impressed with myself from where I came from a few months ago.  I have been dealing with the real world since returning from my trip to St. Louis, and it isn't pretty.  Days and Day I have sit inside licensing bureaus for hours, made crying scenes at banks and gave a pretty mean hairy eyeball to drivers trying to side swipe me on the highway.  Simple things like cashing checks and getting car tags are taking much longer than anticipated.  I have wasted every day since my trip on these things. 

The good news, I am having a lot calls from perspective employers, all interested in hiring little ole me .  All fine and dandy, if I had a picture id.  I just might be Charlie Manson to a prospective employer, not to mention the IRS, but I don't want to go there.

My frustrations when trying to find paperwork, messed up my house.  It is in shambles.  My last load from St. Louis is scattered (thought I might find my license I lost in St. Louis in these things).  My files are scattered, I even have tax receipts on the bathroom floor. 

I am writing to get this all out of my system, I may sound like I am adjusting, but I fell into bed when I returned home this evening after a full day of this.  I am determined to stay balanced through these little hurdles, keeping in tune to my emotions, my nourishment, my supplements, my cognitive therapy, my light therapy, my exercise, and last but not least, my pray rain journal.  I will adjourn now and plan the adventures of my life so I will be that person that has those adventures once I declare it is so.

Balance in all things...

so it is. 

Hello World, give me what you've got!

Laying in my bed one hour, on a road trip to St. Louis the next.  The excitement of spontaneous and reckless abandon, was certainly what I needed.  No money, just faith.  I made it, and it turned out the best trip ever.

Church Service for one

The trip wasn't without mishap, tears, anger and panic, but it was also filled with love, peace and laughter.  The best part of the trip, was the closure I felt upon visiting with my ex.  I now see the big picture.  I know why I am not there.  It is not anything he has done period.  It was him being him, and me being whoever I may have been in order to cope. The two didn't blend well.  He is a lovely person and I really hope he finds the peace I have felt.  I hope I continue to hold this peace close to the vest.  

While I was traveling I got two calls about employment.  The world is calling my name.  I wish I knew what my name was, since I am going back to my previous name and won't know when the document is signed until I receive a copy in the mail.  

The past week, I have seen how cognitive therapy can work.  I had an incident meant to put me so low, I should have cracked.  It only took me about 2 hours to regain my confidence.  I did this by writing the offender, answering her rolling eyes and calling me out on something she thought I was wrong about.... well, you don't know your geography.  (I was right, but didn't have the thought of caller her out).  I just laughed politely and agreed with her.  I have never run up against a woman in her own home, so rude and callous.  She is a doctor, and I am....well me. 

By the time the 2 hour letter was written, I had regained all my confidence, chose the battles to pick if given the chance and said adieu to worrying about what other people think.  I do however, have to worry about my little friend whose parent it was.  I now see what abuse he is up against and will continue to work with him to help him change the situation or change his life.

Abuse is a terrible thing, but those of us that allow it contribute to the abuse.  I never want my friend to wait until 58 years old before waking up to this fact..  My goal is to teach him to teach his parents how to treat him by not putting up with abusive behavior with being defensive. He can put up boundaries with kind words and I have practiced this with him.  He uses his own words after the anger dies down a bit.  Being yourself, and being a better yourself, involves some change.  I believe in change and my friend also embraces the theory, but is not over the fear.. He needs to find a safety net, he is only 20 and supported by his parents.

The pray rain journal continues to be a driving force in my life.  As I type, I realize it has been two days since logging my life entries.  I can't let the DMV's and banks get in my way.  It wouldn't be the DMV or banks fault...

I am to blame.  I control my thoughts, I control my emotions, I endure the pain, rejoice at the happiness.  I don't believe I am manic as my friends mom called me.  I am just me and my life is handing me its' calling card.  

I sometimes think I don't have the right to be depressed

That is some stinkin thinkin will need my cognitive therapy.

I may have posted this before, but if I did, it deserves more exploring.  I gave this to my 20 year old friend with Aspergers.  I shall send it to him again, he is having a "bad day".

Here is the web sight http://ed.ted.com/on/p04GkF0j or you can watch the video above.   

To This Day Project - Shane Koyczan

Laughter and celebrations

I can't remember the exact day I decided I wanted to live again.  I can't even remember how long I have been depressed.  Did the depression start when I couldn't get out of bed?  Was it when I couldn't stop crying?  Is it the day I realized my life was changing before my eyes?  Was it years before, as the pot was simmering?  Do you consider it started when the pot boiled over?  I just know it started some day before the day I decided I want to live.

I am proud I did this alone with the help the internet, a few good people, but NOT DOCTORS.

I know there are great doctors out there, but fate didn't lead me to one of them.  I have this to be grateful, because only I know myself.  If anyone was going to help get me out of depression, it was me.

I am happy to report my symptoms have subsided.  The zap feeling in my brain going into my arms and torso has almost become a thing of the past.  I may have had twenty of them today, but I was moving a lot today.  The twenty I had were very mild, staying closer to the head and a wee bit down my neck.

Kombucha has helped my colon and stomach symptoms.  I can't even tell you one place I may have an ache or pain tonight.  I am pain free.  Supplements, diet, (a little excersize) light therapy, cognitive therapy, allowing myself to feel and take the time for grief, journaling, listening to my body, rejoicing in feeling emotions, manifestation, brainstorming....these are just some of my favorite things.
These were my precious tools leading me to my laughter.  Growing into this day through understanding brought me around again.
The only thing I ever missed out on is laughter  
Imagine a life where you had EVERYTHING you needed but laughter.  What a neat goal to have.

LOL!

ROFL!

LMAO!

ROFLMAO! 

one way around this person and one way around this person and so on

Do you find in your life you have to act one way around "grandma" and one way around this Jewish friend, and one way around your gay friend and another way around your neighbor and one way around male straight friend?

and so on

Why is this so?  Is this so for everyone?  Could depression be measured by the many ways we have had to change and lost who we were? 

btw, this is not MY list.  I have actually a small focused list. 

The persons on my small list is not to blame.  I didn't have the belief ( or knowledge ), I had the power to do anything about it. 

I did not decide to change my life so drastically.  I was just going along with a force larger than myself.
I think if we loose ourselves so deeply and that wee bit of hope we have inside ourselves will find a way to slap you down, make you think your way out of it...emerge the best version of yourself you can imagine.
I hope so.

stay calm and carry on

What does it mean to be vulnerable?

Having the luxury of time, or taking it if you don't have it, could be the most important step in recovery from depression. It may leave you vulnerable in a job, finances and most importantly things we hold near and dear.  Opinions of our partners, our children our parents, all thing we see today as the driving force keeping giving us reason to live, may leave us covering up the only thing we had the minutes we were born.

What does it mean to be vulnerable?  I believe it is one of the most powerful words in our language.  If I were to have to define it today I would have to say "Real".

We are born vulnerable.  We became real the day we were born. 

I have so many thoughts about vulnerability, and could discuss its beauty, its fear, its involvement with depression, its differences in people from all walks of life, and how we cover it, protect it in choosing to disclose what is real.  Do we not realize disclosing the "v" word, may be the key to our recovery?

I believe "disclosures" to others are when we find connections.  Once we disclose something we keep "closely to the vest", what usually happens?  Do you find as I do, you finally are connecting.  In your experience have you revealed the smallest human feeling, fear, or fact, in conversation and can almost hear a sigh, or maybe you see a calmness wash over them through their body language or expression on their face.  It is if they are saying "I am safe here.  I can now relax and show a little of myself."

It takes courage opening oneself to another, putting away your ego and experience a true connection to another human.  It is a beautiful thing and I am seeing my climb out of my of sickness and depression through vulnerability.

I believe our ego is built over time, especially in childhood.  We go our happy way, expressing sadness, our needs and desires without fear.   The fear I developed may be the first time I heard my mother say as she said so many times through my life" I was never so embarrassed in all my life" over what I did, said or the way I acted.  I was only being my true self showing the world my innocence and joy of life.  This is a time I most likely realized, hey, there is something wrong with me, confusion sets in. The tragedy would be if I never found the strength to be vulnerable again.

If we allow this type of statement to leave an imprint on our sub conscience over and over again, we start to be cautious.  We start to build the personality that gives us the least amount of hurt.  We put a veil over our heads so no one can see the defects we were told we had.  We were in survival mode.  I am in wonderment even as children we learn to survive by acting, speaking and reacting to the things we thought made us look normal to others.  This is how people "pleasers" were born. 

Teenagers in rebellion is how people "pleasers" are healed.

What happens to the damaged person who didn't have the strength or the where with all to rebel?  They may have acted out in negative ways throughout their life.  Smoking for instance, may be an act of rebellion.  I started smoking when I was 32 or 33 years old.  If I were to say I regret I did not have the courage to rebel against my mother, isn't quite true.  I have no hindsight as what the past looks like if something had been different.  I have beat the smoking addition before for six years.  I guess I had some rebellion the day I picked it up again.  I should have rebelled at what was causing the urge of the addiction. 


When I fell in love the first time, was it true love or just a need to be loved.  This is something I can not answer and decide not to pursue answering, because this past is gone, done with signed and sealed.  I hope not to re-visit that part of my past unless I am recalling precious memories of the good that came from this marriage.  I actually know if I were to explore each and every detail of all the reasons "why", it could cause mental exhaustion.

Today I need all the energy I can get.  I took my supplements and look forward to this day.  It is time to have another cigarette.  I will contemplate why I smoke while holding that white stick of tobacco with fire that burns and smoke that fills my lungs.  I can conquer depression, I can beat illness, I can do all things.  I can not do it until I have decided I am ready to quit, the cigarettes will always be there.  The people in your life can be taken away in an instant. Today,  I am rejoicing about the connections I have made, using my vulnerability by not "trying" to make a good impression, and opening myself up to others I may meet.  I have a lot to learn and I am vulnerable to what the day may bring.

How lucky can I be!

Welcome to my Beautiful Depression

I am seeing myself evolve as a new woman.  Completely and totally living for myself now.  The future looks bright and I want to recap for anyone that may be in a dark lonely place as I was months ago.  I have been off all meds for about 2 or 3 weeks.  Since I have been on zoloff for many years, added Vyvance and Welbutron last year my climb out of depression also included getting myself off prescription meds.  You may wonder why I decided to do this all at once right in the middle of a depression that had me wanting to end my life?  It was the situation of finding new doctors, moving to Oklahoma, and the fact I didn't want to be in a situation without them and having to go off the meds due to a disaster....

I remember watching live news of  hurricane Katrina's aftermath.  I worried about the people going through withdrawals since everything they owned was gone, including medications.   I would have been one of those people, not only dealing with disaster of incomprehensible hardship, I would also be sick not being able to help anyone around me.  I would have been taking the resources of all the good Samaritans struggling to help others through the crisis.because I was sick from withdrawals and needing their help..  I need to be an able body making it to safety and helping those in need.

I vowed that day I should take control and see if I could get off the medication, but I couldn't endure, the pills were there, and I wanted to end the yucky sickness the withdrawals caused me, so I would succumb, take the medication and wait a few hours while I slowly climb back to what I called "feeling normal".

I don't think I felt normal taking the medication, because I didn't know what normal was.  It was my normal and it was a false one.  Little did I know changing what I ate, taking supplements, getting off medication, doing light therapy, exersize (what little I have)doing cognitive therapy in changing my "stinkin thinkin" and finally manifestation with the pray rain journal would have me declaring my cure.  

I am looking forward to the day I don't have the electrical impulses, but they are much easier to deal with when I have been nourishing my body with whole foods, eating small snack type meals every two hours and now adding the chinese herb supplements.

Sorry I can't pinpoint the exact thing that made me feel like I have climbed out of the hole, but I can't help think everything helped, and I needed it all.

The biggest relief came in understanding why I had so much pain.  I am a believer, you have to do the emotional work too.  There were emotional reasons I was so depressed and didn't recognize these, thinking I had dealt with my life pretty good, stuffing all the pain by saying I let things roll off my shoulder. 

If you feel like you let things roll off your shoulder, you may find yourself depressed someday.  It may be out of the blue and you fall deeper and deeper where you do not want to live because the physical pain is so difficult to endure.  You don't feel like you can ever climb out.  Like me, you may have given yourself a disease because of the emotional pain.   You may have put yourself in dangerous situations because you wanted to die. 

It does get better but ONLY IF YOU DO THE WORK.  You may try one thing and then another.  You can live with depression and the pain or decide to to something about it.  The next few weeks are going to pass anyway, so why not start today.  You will find many of my resources I used to cure my depression throughout this blog, but what works for me, may not be what works for you.  I can't tell you how many times I did internet searches about depression.  You keep searching and don't give up because take it from one who was going to put an end to my life a few short months ago, Depression can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you.  In it, you will find your dreams, what is keeping you from achieving your dreams and find a beautiful life with profound beauty and a deep love you made it out.  You may have accepted help, but the real work came from you.  I am proud today I made it out of the hole.  I hope someday, if you are reading this, you can write to me and tell me how beautiful and meaningful your depression was for you. 

pamborum@hotmail.com  

Living for an Audience of One

Funny thing about depression and illness.  If you don't cure your depression your illness will most likely get worse.  Illness causes depression and depression causes illness.  I think they are tied so closely you can't tell the two apart.

I did my detox bath and I am back to bed recovering from it.

I have always enjoyed long hot baths.  I thought it would be a breeze, the best part of my new Chinese herb therapy.  I did my first one, and learned I needed to take precautions to not pass out in the bathtub.  Today I had hot tea (recommended) two bottle's of water one with a bunch of b vitamins and a wonderful drink my daughter introduced me to which has probiotics which I NEED and other enzymes.   It is truly delicious.  I made it 25 minutes this time. I start feeling my heart beat slowly but booming, I have sweat rolling off the top of my head, my face burns, it just doesn't make since to me.  I drank everything I had in 20 minutes and had to suffer through my last five minutes before giving up.

What did Dr. Chi put in this?  I am going to research each one of the ingredients   It cost 10 dollars a bath and is suggested we do it once a day.  Dr. Chi must be a rich man!

It also brings out emotions and leads to understanding if that makes since.

 I feel some people are afraid to be around me.  Trying to make connections to get something from my previous employer was very difficult.  I sent e-mails, made calls and nothing happens.  It is as if I had the "crazy person" decease and they fear catching it.  Doesn't fair too well for me that I walked out on them due to my "crazy person breakdown"

Good thing is I am getting closer to living my life for an audience of one.  I know I will take all my new knowledge, my new interests, and me being in tune with my emotions and not trying to please anyone but myself, my life will be fabulous.

Pastor 

Inspiration for the tortured soul

Pastor Rick Warren on the 5 Things

Mothers Birthday

Having a good day today physically AND emotionally.  The brain and body zaps have eased to a tenth of what they were yesterday.  I went to the grocery store and realized how much my taste in food has changed.  I have turned into one of the people I once admired in the check out line and  looking inside my own selections with shame, wishing I would have hidden the velveta under other processed foods so I wouldn't be judged.

Today, I have no shame in being judged.  I don't care what others think.  I don't care what my mother thinks of me not calling on her birthday. I remember a few times, she didn't call me on my birthday,  but was only when she had banned herself forever talking to me after one of her anger rages, and she did this thinking she was punishing me.  I do know if she had continued to cut me from her life, I would have lived how I wanted to live....not guessing what she would say if  I made even the smallest decision on my own. 

Always dodge bullets

It really doesn't matter though, because all of that is behind me.  I have decided, the only way possible to have a relationship with my mother is to do co-therapy.  I will not be in her presence unless this happens.  I don't even know if I will offer that much to her.  I can't see the future, so today I am truthful, and the truth could change in time, but if I am to learn from my past, the truth of today will stand.

Only one thing regarding my mother holds true today, I am thankful she gave me life.  I can't let her take it away.  I would expect the same actions from my own children if I were the abuser, the raging angry mother, the manipulating and self righteous one.  If I were emotionally abusive, physcially abusive and mentally abusive, I would expect my own children to set their own boundaries, living their life to the fullest...
and this is what I am doing.  It will only get better, just as this day was better than the day before.  I am on the road to recovery...no set back can scare me now.  I am wiser, and have dreams of my own.  I haven't had dreams before.  I never knew my brain could be so brilliant. 

I have a much more brilliant mind now that I am feeding it.  My brilliance measured against all of humanity is not what I am measuring, wouldn't stand up to the brilliance I see in the world, but my measuring stick is my past.  Today I am happy I am not the shell of the person I once was.

I will write in my pray rain journal now, it is where I see the brilliance.

You have to shine your own light,

do your part

to light up the world. 

.

 

What can I say...just sayin

I am loving the new me.  Months of months of agony has been worth it.  I am still battling my health issues and my withdrawal symptoms were worse today than they have been.  I researched the zapping and electrical shocks happening throughout my body.  I was hoping to find this was my brain connecting in ways it never had before.  ...but that is not why I feel every time I move my eyes, hear a loud noise, or move my torso other than keeping it straight, I get an electrical shock that seems to start in the back of my head but is felt in my arms, chest and brain.  Today they increased in intensity causing me to startle when they were severe.

It can be distracting and I hope they are gone when I interview for jobs the end of this month.  I finally had the courage to call and schedule the interviews, but made them later in the month giving me a deadline to get more physically and mentally fit.

My "Holistic Doctor Visit" reminds me of where I am living right smack dab in the middle of the "Bible Belt".
I did not make it back to pick up my EXPENSIVE natural cures.  I paid for them and left the office last week because I couldn't stay there any longer feeling like I was getting sicker and sicker by the minute.

I wonder if it was emotional or physical, there is no way to know because emotional pain has been very painful, more than any ailment I have had. 

I drove myself in the pouring rain to the doctors office that morning,  and of course got lost.  Once I called her, she said "How did you get over there?"  (I was two blocks from her office)  She tried to direct me with too many words, and I felt I must be several miles away.   I was on the cell phone driving in the rain and can't process all the description of buildings I would pass on the left on the right then on the left then on the right...I had to stop her banter, it was starting to frustrate me trying to keep up.  Finally I spoke up and told her I wasn't processing all of her words since I was driving in the rain.  I found my way to her office, but not by the aid of her directions. 

By the time I got there, I was on the verge of tears.  Hey, I was a depressed woman, she was a holistic doctor, I thought if anyone would  understand it would be her.  When she handed me the book of paperwork I was to fill out while berating me by telling me what I SHOULD HAVE DONE when I was looking for her address, I was in tears.  They were falling from my eyes like a faucet and onto the forms.  She walked away with pep in her step saying "BE HAPPY"...

Hey, if I was happy, I wouldn't be here, but I said nothing.

I followed her into her office and since I have performed patient interviews for many years, I knew what to do and expected her to be caring and compassionate. This was not so.

It was evident she wasn't listening to my answers to her questions. She asked me if I believed in God.  I told her I did, but wasn't religious, she said...it doesn't matter about that, just as long as you have a close relationship with God.  She handed me a few sheets of paper and told me I needed to at the church indicated at 5p.m. on Monday.  She gave me a list of what she calls "demons".  She said I should circle them if I have ever had any of them in my life.  I looked at the sheet, small type front and back, three columns.  The ones jumping off the page were Yoga, homosexuality, and face book. I was planning on going to Yoga, I cleared the homosexuality demon but not because I believed being born homosexual was demonic.  I was certainly guilty of the sin of face book.

During this time she was running a body scan.  It wasn't something I envisioned when she explained it when I made the appointment.  My hand was on a large "mouse" like the one you use with your computer.  She told me we would be doing a blood work up, and I was suppose to fast. I did fast, and she pricked my finger.  I knew that I wouldn't be having a complete blood workup.  No problem, I still kept an open mind.  That day I felt she was a "hope" I needed for recovery.  I was there and would listen to anything.

Once the program ran, she told me how much I was "out of whack".  She said the scan measured 76,000 things and I was out of whack on most of them, so she would just treat me on the ones she thought we should start on and went out of the room.  I don't think she ever heard I was there for depression. 

I waited for what seemed to be an hour inside that office and all I was left with was myself and the SIN list.  She came back with a bill for what I needed.  The office visit was not listed, so that mean I needed to add $195 to the total.  Of course I couldn't add, but the "product only" invoice was nearly 600 dollars!

I started crying and fumbling for my purse that held the money I needed to pay my electric bill.  I was expecting money in the mail to pay for this visit and it didn't come in time.  My son insisted he would loan it to me, so I got his credit card number.  I took out what money I had, tears were falling fast and furious..  I dropped my purse, and part of the money.  I told her I had 200 dollars and that I would pay for the visit with my sons credit card.  She went to see how much improvement she could give me for that amount of money.   I left her with my son's credit card and the 200 dollars (some of that was still laying on the floor) telling her I needed to go outside.  When I got to my car I felt so sick and needed to get back to my bed.  Crying the way home, I called her and told her I would be back later in the afternoon.

Once I was safely in my bed, I called her again asking if I could get 100 dollars back, she could keep the product and the extra 100 dollars until I got my money in to pay for it.  She said there was no return because she already ordered the product.  I thought I was picking up my product, well, there were a couple of things she had to order.  I started crying, and hung up the phone.

Today she called telling me my product was ready to be picked up.  I decided to bite the bullit.  The severe withdrawal symptoms had me wanting any help I could get.  Maybe this product could help.  She told me to pick it up anytime before 5 but she would be with a patient between 2 to 3 o'clock.  I got there at 2:55 and noticed a sign on her door that said "in session".  I also saw a post it note and it looked to me a patient may have put it there, I thought it read Carl and a phone number.

I waited for 45 minutes.  She walked through a hall way and said, well it is a good thing I walked through here, I put a sign on the door telling you to call.  You SHOULD HAVE called.  I told her I also saw the other sign saying she was "IN SESSION". 

I thought I was being respectful of her time with another patient, especially since I came in a little early.  Her happy go lucky self shoved the box of product in my hand.  I told her I had not received an e-mail she told me she would send explaining the products and how to use them and why I am using them.  She looked at me as if I was CRAZY.  She had told me this at my initial visit, but I didn't say anything....not wanting to upset myself any further.  I was having a good day and wasn't going allow her to take that from me.  I took the box and asked her if she knew if anti depressant withdrawals could give me brain damage because of all the shocks I was feeling.  She said she didn't know, that I just had to CHOOSE LIFE. 

I turned around and went out the door.

I was happy to get out of there.  I did not go to church at 5, I did, however, take the detox bath.  It must have been doing something because it was so uncomfortable.  I felt light headed and could only stay in for 10 for the instructed 30 to 45 minutes because it felt like I was dying.  I got out of the bath and almost fainted.  I stood in my hallway for about 5 minutes buck naked trying to recover.  I made it to the bed, and collapsed.  I held real still, not wanting to feel the electrical shock along with the nausea and faintness. I had my water on my night stand, I think was was actually getting dehydrated from all the sweating I did afterwards.  At least the product did something, but I don't know if it was good...the verdict is still out.  I will keep you posted.

This blog about depression may change course soon, I can feel it.

The pray rain journal is working

I wrote I was brilliant

I came up with a brilliant idea

This idea will be making all other entries to come true.  

 

DO IT...IT WORKS 

Amazing results already

I started my "pray rain journal" last night and I already "am" several of the things I am.  Had brilliant ideas last night which could lead me to the "best life ever".  Looking back at all I have learned this last seven months, this one technique IS the most powerful, with immediate results....and I love immediate!  This may be the biggest life changer yet. I woke up with no pain, feeling better than I have in months, and know all is right with the world and I wouldn't have changed one thing getting to this day. 

Again, here is the link http://www.selfhelpgoddess.com/prayrainjournal.html

Pray Rain

I'm gonna wash this man right out of my hair....That just popped into my mind.  I took myself to lunch today, ate alone and all was well except a few tears when i thought about my husband and what he may be doing this day.  This is our last anniversary, even though we are not spending it together, we will always be tied to this day.  We had great anniversaries.  It was spring, a time of renewal, a time of love.  We both loved to fish, and that is where you would find us most anniversaries.  I cry we will not be visiting the places I dreamed about visiting with him.  All the good memories are when we were away from the house.  That seemed to be the only time we both let our defenses down to "just be".

Still have the withdrawal buzzing and it was worse before I ate.  It came back with a vengeance when I  tried to do housework this afternoon. I did a lot of light therapy and walked around the block today. 

I have decided to start a new journal.  This is a manifestation journal. 

Learn about the pray rain journal - click here

I pray healthy

 Anyone living with depression and have been raised in a abusive home, this next suggestion is a must read.  I look forward to buying this book.  

There is also a excerpt from this book at this liink

http://www.geftakysassembly.com/Articles/Perspectives/MalignantNarcissism.htm 

  

The time I have spent in my my life trying to please my mother, I now see, it was impossible.  I am 58 years old and I know the time has come to please myself.  In my "pray rain" journal, there will be no "whoaa is me" crap.  At 58, it is surely time to grow up and take responsibility for myself.  I would have liked to be the loving daughter taking care of her parents, but it is impossible.  I am not going to mail the letter I wrote to my mother.  I am getting therapy soon and will not make judgements due to my love I have for my mother and father, or the responsibilities of "being there" for them. 

So I made it through this day with only sadness which is a healthy emotion.  I am starting to feel I can go there without the severe body aches.  Happy Anniversary to me...it will be my very last wedding anniversary EVER.  So, so long married life, and onto the next chapter.  I will now start to pray rain and will keep you updated...just know if you don't hear how horrible things are with me, the pray rain journal is working!  I am starting it tonight, it will be created beautifully. 

Allowed to cry

Woke up feeling better than yesterday, last night had a great conversation with a dear friend from my past.  No wonder so many people love getting together, sharing emotions and laughter.  Socialization, here I come.

People like my friend can be an inspiration.  Another inspiration comes from an Oprah show I saw a long time ago.  Jacqui Saburido, a young woman burned in a tragic automobile accident told how she only cried 5 minutes a day.  I have thought of that young woman many times through my own struggles with health and depression.  I was ashamed I didn't have what this young lady had after clearly a much greater burden.

When I found this you tube video, I realized putting a limit on crying just pushes the pain a little deeper.  Someday it has to find a way out or your pain will most likely influence your decision and could affect your health.

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Jacquis-Struggle-Video_1 

Don't be ashamed of your own tears

This missing piece

The Missing Piece You Tube video - Beautiful

Today was bleak but the sun was shining.

I sat in the sun it zapped my energy,

Brain zapping 

Walked in the sun

Looking at flowers and trees blooming

Ate healthy

Slept most of the day

Body aches from head to toe

but these are not what causing the tears

Thinking about how I allowed my mother to influence me.

Glad I got this day out of the way for all the good tomorrows.

shhhh.....it is the d word.

Ever wake up feeling like your life is insignificant?  This is where I am this morning, it must the depression.  I am feeling this way,  I don't matter to myself or others.  I don't have the fight today.  Stomach burning, thoughts void of joy. 

The physical part of depression may be the reason our mental capacities are limited?  I am doubtful of myself today.  Do I have what it takes to beat this?  Do I even care if I do? 

 Who is in your corner....just you are.  When you have depression, can you even count on yourself?  I haven't mailed the letter to my mother.  Need a good therapist.  Seek and you shall find.  I guess I will be seeking today.

I am seeking:  Money to pay bills, relief from physical pain, the will to go on another day.  That is all I can wrap my head around today.  and i cry.

and somedays you just have to dance

and indeedie I did.  Not too many withdrawals, wish I could have withdrew from my 1040 tax form...but all around great day.  Taxes?  The money will come, i just have faith...but the good news,  the State of Missouri owes me $2, but he service I am using is going to charge me 25 just for state.  but, regardless, I am dancing today. 

When I was a girl I always wanted tap shoes so I could tap.  I got them on my 55th birthday...from my baby daughter. 

The day I tapped

(I don't even recognize that woman)

and today I danced

and found joy

Instructions for a GREAT day

Woke up early, rested and enthusiastic, ready to go to work, but I have no job....I will pretend I have a job and have two days to get all my "stuff" done.  Pretending to have a job will certainly direct me to one that I love as much as the one I left behind in my past life. 

My wedding anniversary is this Saturday.  I have decided to "put myself out there" and invite people to my house for a night of fun and games.  If no one comes, I will just celebrate the fact I have cleaned my apartment and organized all my art supplies and get creative.uji  < Mozart walked across the keyboard what is he trying to express?  U J I ?

Usually, I wake up and have those brain and body electric shocks due to the depression medication withdrawals..today I haven't had even ONE.  Hooray for me. 

• Taking control of my life

  Taking control of my health

  Taking control of my depression 

  Taking control of my happiness

  Taking control of my saddness

  Taking control of my weaknesses

  Taking control of my strengths

  Only I can change the path I have taken, today I turn the corner on a new path.  Today I am thankful, peaceful and forgiving.

        grinning and busy!

What Not to Say to a N A K E D Lady

I slept most of the day away after visiting the holistic "doctor".  I need to go there tomorrow, because I left without her knowing.  Told her I was going outside but once I got in my car, I had a terrible uncontrollable urge to be in my bed.  I need to strip off the "dressed up" clothes and lay down.  Of course it was noon by now and I hadn't had one bite to eat since my visit was to have blood drawn.  Fasting, appointment was at 9a.m. 

A lot of people would have been weak by then, but an overwhelming feeling of pain in my chest, upper arms and stomach had me running for cover.  She talks and talks and talks....why do people think they have to talk so much.  How can one mind in my condition process all this information?  I was overwhelmed, exhausted and way too emotional.  Feeling raw, void and naked.  So this is why I am wanting to make a list of things to NOT SAY to a depressed lady such as myself.

• What is wrong?

  • Just be happy

    • You should have (fill in the blank)

      • You could have  (how does anyone know what I could have done)   

      • "God" died on the cross for you??

        well I didn't ask "God" to die, anyway wasn't that Jesus Christ? 
        

        • Here is a list of sins, circle the ones you have had in your life.

          • Can I pray for you to have Jesus blood wash over you?

          this list typed in small print front and back included such things as masturbating and not honoring your mother or father.
             
          
          now just say for the sake of what if, What if I had been masturbating while dishonoring my mother and father?   Not that I have ever done either of those....
          
          
          Also on the list:
          have you ever lied?
          
          
                 

Wed

Depression sets in again.  Went to doctor.  Stopped at Braums got a hamburger.  In bed, crying first half of day.  Body aches inside and out.  Determined to not let this beat me.  Rainy and cold today.  At least i am home now. 

I am cured for now and maybe forever but probably not but maybe most likely, but most likely not, but maybe?

So this was another wonderful day.  How many hours can one have peace like this?  This is more than a grace period...I could never imagine myself feeling this good.  I haven't felt this good in years and years.  I have experienced peace, sadness, laughter, tears and all of this adds up to JOY.  I have added music to my life, how much I missed it...what the hell?  Why did I not keep my passions....I knew I always had?   

Depression is really bizarre.  I realized I haven't used my vocal cords much since moving to Oklahoma.  Singing feels good.  Hopefully no one will have to hear me sing, it isn't pretty, but I love it none the less.

I can't express how grateful I am finding that web site....here it is again, www.cure-your-depression.com

My daughter is a beautiful soul.  She is 6 ft of love.  I am sure she feels the pressure of being "there" for me.  I know how busy she is and I want her to live her life without visiting depression again.  She has had depression off and on in her adult life.  The love of her life left her due to a motorcycle accident while we were living in St. Louis.  I now realize the depression she has had to deal with.  My precious little daughter.  I couldn't do anything to help her.  No one can help you out of the depths, that is what I now realize.  I also realize I shouldn't feel guilty about not being able to help her. What I did or didn't do, doesn't matter, what matters I loved her through it and allowed her to learn to love again.

She has invited me to dinner tonight.  It is cold and rainy outside and she is not planning on having dinner until 8:30.  I do have a doctor appointment in the a.m., but because she worked all day I will go.  (I almost wrote try to go but decided just now to commit to it)

My next step didn't come today, but I already know I need to socialize so instead of getting my step, and dreading it, I have been working it and tonight is no exception.  This will be the first step I embraced before it even came.  Is that progress or what?

If you have depression and are suicidal, do something about it now.  Go to the nearest hospital, save your life!  You can find joy in your life again.  You have time to work your way out, but never do something that will end your life.  Listen to this Radio Lab:

http://www.radiolab.org/2009/jul/27/ 

I know how it feels, I know how my daughter felt years later after her tragic loss.  I wish I had lived through this time in my life before my daughter got to this point, but fortunately, nothing horrible happened.  In fact, it was probably good she was able to experience this depression and work her way out.  I know I am grateful for this opportunity to do the same and my daughter 30 years my junior did it all on her own...

I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!!!

Now for my important news:  I wrote my mother a letter today.  I also printed the first lesson for her since she doesn't have internet.  I will mail it before her birthday, and will mail another with a birthday present for her and another step.  I feel good about this step I am making but making it cautiously.  I don't want her to show up at my door or have my phone number....not now at least.  The letter was loving and didn't address why questions.

 We don't have to answer the reasons why,  it is just to do or die!

So, here I go out to dinner at my daughters house.  I like the new me, for tonight anyway....but maybe forever! 

Maybe or Maybe Not or Maybe 

 

The Flea Circus

When I was a really little girl, probably 4 or 5, my parents took a trip.  We went to Missouri on a vacation.  I will always remember when we did go somewhere, how we traveled mostly down highway 66.  I would feel the wind on my face because we always had the windows down.  I remember the feeling my my cheeks flapping in the wind.  I loved that feeling.

This trip sparked something inside of me and I will never forget..  We went to Jessee James Wax Museum, and I don't remember anything I saw except for one special thing:

A Wedding Party of Fleas

 This wedding party was under magnification of course, and it was so great.  I remember also my favorite all time gift was a wedding doll my mother purchased for me at the Stices grocery store in garden city in Tulsa where we used to live.  It was my treasure.  

This has me thinking this morning how beautiful a life can be.  I feel I was meant to be a bride even though both my marriages are ending in divorce.  This may be the only way I could get it through my head that I am:

• Truly a child of God

  I am loved

  I am worthy of love

  Failure is not what I am experiencing

  It is a new life.

  I am blessed 

  This day I am feeling cured again.  I may decide to declare myself cured for now.  So I AM CURED!  This IS NOT me fooling myself, this is me getting ready to live the best life ever!  There is an advantage to getting old and being free.  
  
  So back to the fleas.  I met a friend when I moved out of my house back in Sept.  He is 20 years old and in need of socialization.  He has Aspergers and his one TRUE passion is insects.  I shared the flea story with him, and he keeps telling me he is going to get the fleas for me.  He says, "Pam, one day you will have your fleas! "
  
  Knowing the dreaded socialization step is coming my way through www.cure-your-depression.com, I decided, why haven't I asked others to help search for my fleas?  How can one person find a wedding party of fleas?  Why not start on facebook, and this is what I did.  
  
  My daughter in wed s(don't like the law) grandmother is a lovely lady.  She is real and I think maybe misunderstood many times by her family.  I think she is such a great person and has many qualities I would like to acquire.  She mentioned to me that she seemed to remember something about a wedding party of fleas and told me to check out Ripleys.  
  
  All my life I have thought about the fleas, I have in the past searched the internet.  I guess in my mind, if you search once, it is not there.  Of course I realize the internet grows more and more each day, and just her mentioning about Ripleys had me on another search. ASTONISHING!  I found an article published 3 hours before about a flea circus loosing their fleas.  I had no idea flea circuses were still around.
  
  My next step will probably be in my e-mail today.  I am not dreading socialization as much because I am now seeing the true beauty of letting others in, even if we don't know them.  
  
  I believe I had some warped thinking.  Friends I had cultivated (which were none) is what I would end up with once you reach a certain age..  I believe one of my blog posts early on talked about this.  Whoa is me, I was probably implying.  Well, now I see that it doesn't matter how long you have been friends or had a connection with someone, all that matters are those you connect with today and tomorrow and the next day and so on.
  
  

                                     

  

  One day I may be a ring leader of the flea circus!

  
   These are not my fleas, but this tells me I am getting closer.  I am so proud to be where I am today.  I know now I have been doing the right thing no matter if it got me in trouble or not.  Trouble, despair, happiness and joy, this is all part of life.  What I am losing is the fear of these things.  What I may be finding is my beloved fleas.
  
  I will be enjoying this beautiful day of rain.  I hope whoever and where ever you are, you will be enjoying it too.