Earlier today I told you about my soon to be ex husband, but for the ease of things I will call him my husband since legally at this time, this is what he is. The pain he experienced just a few months before the ending, was the very same pain he is feeling now anytime he thinks about the two tragic episodes. Last year was not the best year for him. In February, he lost his brother. It was a profound loss for him. In May, he experienced the first of the symptoms, at least as my memory holds true because he may have been experiencing those pains, but not as intensely since the day he left his brothers side one week before he died, knowing it would most likely be the last time he saw him alive. His brother had melanoma stage four, and finally succumbed to the fight the end of February, 2012.
Does this tell me, both my husband and I were depressed for so many years? Could we have married depressed? These answers I could not tell you, but I can tell you the intense feelings I had for him when we met. It was like a miracle I saw so much inside of him, and connected in a physical, spiritual way. I am not talking about sex, I am talking about the same place that hurts me today, is the same place I could feel the warmth, the glow, all the good things you could ever imagine. Maybe my head was in a cloud. But I do know, the most magical moments of my life were spent the year before we moved in together.
The beginning wasn't fun. We both had 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl. I had very grand ideas how our family could be close. I loved his children, and of course, my love for my own is very much established. How does a mother not love their own children? It doesn't happen. Even my own mother loves me in some twisted sort of way. I believe my mother has felt the pain of depression and possible was feeling it the day of the incident....but that is not what I am here to talk about...
It is depression and divorce. I hope that no person on earth would have to experience the pain of the divorce. That is why I say, seek therapy when you see yourself changing for no reason. When you find yourself withdrawing from the one you fell in love with. When you are loosing yourself and not gaining any comfort in the one who should be holding your hand in time of need. If you feel you are not being considered in the way you are leading your life. When you give up and feel you are not getting anything in return. When you come home exhausted and your partner drains more energy from you instead of replenishing that spiritual side of yourself. When you find yourself having to keep things from each other to keep the peace. If you find yourself doing things that you CAN'T tell your spouse. This is a sign, something is wrong. Like touching a hot plate, ouch! We know it is the hotplate and those injuries heal, but we do not stop to recognize this could be a sign something needs to be fixed so you can heal. If you don't feel safe to be yourself, then something is wrong.
I am not saying these are the things that happened to me or my spouse. These things were felt I am sure of it, but I believe they were felt by both of us equally.
So for now, I will try to sleep before dawn. I will get out of bed and change into my night clothes. This is what depression looks like. I think about turning into my mother and sister who lay in bed everyday but they say they love it? It is their way of life for many years now for mom, and a few years for my sister since quitting work. Oh, I may have not mentioned I have a sister, but she lives a couple of miles away from Mother. She decided to bow out of having a relationship with Mother probably 6 years ago? About three years ago, she suddenly decided to sever our relationship also. It was shocking, it was unbelievable she wouldn't see or talk to me no matter what I tried. She also refused to answer when I asked her why me?
Well, I need to find myself a good therapist it seems. Believe me, I have tried. Not as hard as a non depressed person would have tried, but remember, I have the time, because I still lay here in my bed. Am i doing this because I like it? This I will leave you with, probably the most important thing in curing your depression. I know it is for mine, but for some reason I continue to hold my breath.
That big sigh is a bit of a relief. The pain is subsiding a bit, but that uncomfortable feeling that might feel like you have porcupines on a conveyer belt rolling at a medium speed inside your torso has increased.
No comments:
Post a Comment