Little Sleep - No Cat Today

I did not sleep last night.  I was not tired.  Is it because I took my supplements?  Is it just another occasional night I stay up until dawn?  I heard from an acquaintance today right when I thought I could possibly fall asleep to make up for last night.  We talked for a while, and just as she told me her whole world had turned upside down, I felt an overwhelming connection to her.  She is also seeing life changes before her eyes, and having a hard time processing this change.  I met her in the 80's when I went through my first almost breakup with my first husband.  She was a new employee.  A few weeks into our co-worker status, I found out my first love in high school had cheated on me with her.  I never met her, only heard her name.  I guess that was a bond we never broke.  I have talked with her a few times through the years and even worked for her company for a while.  I thought I would be working with her again, but that fell through.  Just another worry on my long list of worries.

Her husband has developed Alzheimer's.  I came back into her life at the very time he was being evaluated to go into long term care.  The Dr. had spoken.  It was time her husband could never be left a lone needing constant care.  I could feel her guilt, pain and frustrations.  We cried together.  Nice to have someone who understands and is on your side for a change.  Someone who understands why I got to the position I find myself in today.

I have to say though, I am still feeling better than I was feeling.  I believe I sorted out my fatty acid problem.  The flax seed won't hurt and will probably help, but I should have stuck with the recommendation of this site:

This is the second lesson, but sign up with your e-mail address to get your own!

As I mentioned it is a free course, you will receive your steps about every three days, so I suggest you go to the home page and click on 7 day course by entering your e-mail.  There is also a work book to download, but I am saving that one after I complete the seven days.  Mainly because I can't spend the 14 dollars at this time and if I am not cured after completing this course, it will just be another "HOPE" I will have waiting for me.  I am determined to not give up, but I have found that having anything to do with a complete change in eating and moving for exercise, I have documented many times the failures I have had in those areas.

I now know I have been depressed for many many years.  I just didn't let it get me down as I did with this feeling of being turned upside down and shaken to rid myself of all my past, so I will be ready for what comes next.

Another quote I will pass on that has helped me during my times I thought I was going crazy:

Depression is not psychosis!   

In my last post, I spoke of the ways I tried to connect with my ex.  I am not saying I quit, but I had resided myself again that I would not speak to him because the avoidance of answers to my e-mails went unanswered.  I am used to knowing that he is breathing and adapting to life's struggles.  I was used to listening to him everyday not to mention seeing him and knowing he is alive a well.  Low and behold, he answered my e-mail and spoke to the question I had about the physical pain of depression.  He has had what seems like shingles, but no rash.  I remember one of the last months we were together, he had this same condition, but it went away.  Was this is sign of things to come?  Did this mysterious nerve pain come on because he was also in depression then?  I know now I was depressed because I have felt the freedom of being myself.  This has only been the last three days, this is my fourth day of improvement.  This  raises all kind of questions and I want to discuss with him this program I am on.  It seems this nerve condition is manifested by his own depression.  I can't imagine the pain he is experiencing.  When he thinks about our divorce or his brothers death which all came upon him this year, he experiences the pain.  It physically hurts, just not the same pain I have had.  I can only guess it may be harder than what I am going through.

If you found your way here because you are also going through a divorce, please note, that your spouse is going through his own kind of pain that is personal to him.  Your spouse should be treated with the respect you want for others to treat you.  There is no blame here.  It just is.  It doesn't matter what started the realization that things were not right in your marriage.  It doesn't matter that one of you had no more energy to invest in a dead end relationship.  We could have ended up being sick together in our 70's or 80's.  Depression will rear its ugly head even if you didn't know you were depressed.  I thought socially isolating myself, not being able to even get my butt up to clean the house was something that "just was".  I didn't realize my energy for anything outside of zoning out in front of the tv, or working on my crafts all the while with grand plans to get the house cleaned and redecorated each and every weekend.  I got by, but I was stuck inside depression and tried to tell myself I was fine.  Once a few years back,  my lovely daughter asked me, "Mom? Are you lonely?.  The question shocked me since I was married, she was single and she is asking me if I was lonely?  I couldn't answer her that day or even four days ago, but the answer to that question is yes!

I am doing all I can to get myself up and out of bed and it is working.  I am giving myself a pat on the back which is not common for me.  I decided since my precious, loving and adorable companion was left with my husband, another cat could be the cure I need.  I never lived alone and I am 58 years old!  No wonder I have had some "issues" of sadness but I am determined today not to let them get me down.  I did however, change the day to pick up my new cat from the adoption agency.  I am lucky, the cat will not cost $$ but I will however need to pull myself up by my boot strings and get out the door to buy the litter box, liter, food and accessories.  Just as I am spending what I need to, I am hoping this addition to my new apartment will be better than any supplement I will need to buy.  I am afraid I would sign over all my divorce settlement just to ease the pain I have been suffering through.  Maybe, maybe not, because one of the reasons I became depressed was fear of not supporting myself.  I am shocked of where I came from and where I am now.  It is as if I am becoming a different person.  I hope this different person I become is one of compassion for others but mostly compassion for myself. 

 How do I expect to make a difference in this world if I can't get out of bed?  This is day 4, unless I lost count which I guess is common in depression.  The days pass by like minutes which gives me a feeling of shock and worthlessness.  Why am I here on this planet taking up space?  This answer may never reveal itself, but I am determined to be alone and have a deep spiritual connection.  Maybe the next installment will be an answer and by the seventh lesson, I will be whole again.

Today, I have been out of bed for one hour.  I lay in bed writing this.  I will get myself out of bed and feed my brain now.  Good luck to you, maybe you should feed your brain too!