Finding my way out of the darkness

Married at 20.. divorced at 40,... married at 48...divorce pending....

No women past middle age wants to find themselves alone due to a divorce.  I am 58 and was with my "current" ex for 17 years.  A few days ago an acquaintance expressed her thoughts "I can't understand why people over 50 decide to divorce, they should just wait it out.  How much time do they think they have anyway?"  I had no response.  I didn't know what I felt, this is actually the first person I opened up to (besides my ex, and he didn't want to hear it) about my depression, how desperate I had become hoping I would make myself die in my sleep.

Yep, this is me at a much more innocent time

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be smiling......... or have that twinkle in my eyes. 

 Glad I didn't know.

You are reading one woman's climb to the top of the big mountain of depression, divorce,  loneliness, regrets and finally a couple good days.  No, I am not out of depression, but I certainly have had worse days. There was no way during the deepest darkest times, I would have been able to express myself very clearly so this blog is the first attempt at measuring my way out of depression and tonight, I believe I will. I only remember two times this past 7 months I felt as if I could live.  The last was just a couple of weeks ago, but it was after finally getting to talk to my husband.  Grant you, this was during divorce property settlement talks, but I had his attention for two days.  He never wanted to talk to me until then.  For months I would beg and plead, just be my friend.  I graveled, I would send e-mails with songs with the absurd thought it might warm his heart to me.  I would send him (what I thought to be clever) texts.  I thought his laughter would surely warm his heart to me. I would send e-mails to spark his guilt.  I would then send e-mails declaring it was all my fault

  This blog is also way to help others who may find themselves up late at night trying to ease the pain in words of wisdom from others whom have made it to the top of Mount Depression.  This is a statement that proves to myself I will find a way, but I do know this, I have reached the foothills and made a few small steps.  I hope if you have depression or heartbreak and you are reading this, you will see yourself  in my daily struggles.  Is it heartbreak causing this physical pain?  Is it what everyone feels in deep depression?  What was causing this?

  About my achy breaky heart / opens in new window   In the beginning I researched heartbreak.  I was scared.  I had deep pain inside my chest and my arms ached. It felt as if I was going to die but I wanted to live, maybe a reconciliation was on its way and I wouldn't want to miss out. I thought my ex would "wise up" and figure there was no way he could live without me and come serenading at my apartment bathroom window as I sit there staring at the parking lot, listening for his motorcycle or vehicle.  He never came.but I sat staring out that window for three almost four months waiting, crying and hurting.

The strange thing is I don't know if I would have gone back.  Did I just want him to want me for my own ego?  Did I want him to show love for me, then deny him?  Since I walked off my job after 3 1/2 months do I now want him to take me back to feel I have the security?  Do I just want him as a companion?  Is that selfish of me?  When I think of him with another, I don't feel I will be sad.  Am I fooling myself?  What if I never really kick this depression?  What if I can't get out of bed early enough to ever look for a job?  Do I have it in me to do the same type of work I did before?  Will I still have passion and love for my patients?  Do I need to work at a fast food restaurant instead?  Maybe I could be a waitress and work in the evenings, this way I could have all day to sleep or get ready for work. I doubt I have what it takes to be a waitress, it is damn hard work.

 These are still my current struggles and I am showing my self doubt.  Since I have been trying hard to eliminate those negative thoughts, I will move to another subject.  


If you went to the link I provided, the Natural Academy of Sciences, told me to breathe, eat too much ice cream, call in sick and sleep all day. Its inclination was the first few days.  How about 7 months of this?  Who moves into a sublease, then walks off the best job ever, and moves to another state all within the first four months?  I do, and believe me, I am questioning my decision making skills big time!  Yikes, there is that self doubt raising it's ugly head, and wasn't that just a minute ago I told myself I wasn't going to go there?  This is the first day I intentionally stayed away from the ice cream, I DON'T want to go there!

 The list of rules (probably suggestions, but as usual I go by the book) also suggest to call friends...uh friends?  I had wrapped myself around one friend my husband.  My mother and father are living in another state, but I have been a co-dependent to my mothers gambling for years now, paying bills, prescriptions, food and of course money she fed to the slots when their social security check would last for a few hours at the Casinos.  Like mother like daughter.   I had beat my gambling addiction several years earlier.  Oops, I shouldn't say beat it, once a gambler always a gambler, but I found a way to live without gambling in my own life by self exclusion from the Casinos I had access to. I also attended Gamblers Anonymous.  I was a really good enabler, because I had a great understanding of the disease of addiction. I always believed my mother when she promised me month after month after month, she wouldn't go again.  I was encouraged when she went to one GA meeting.  I was encouraged by her signing herself off, only to find out she didn't, then later signing off with individual casinos, but not the one closest to her home.  The co-dependency is much more complicated since I wasn't just giving to my mother, I was receiving praise from her with statements, as an example, "you saved my life".  Anytime anyone tells you, you saved their life, it does make one feel a bit superior.  I wonder now if it made me feel any more loved?  I know she was nicer to me when I had the money to give.

My mother would consider me as a friend in the first couple of months of my separation. She made it a point to talk to me every day.  Sometimes 2 and three times a day.  Only a few times talking with her made me feel a little better.  Most of the time I felt worse after ending the call.  My mother ruined any hopes of a relationship with me this past Christmas, when a rather innocent and truthful statement came out of my mouth, and she decided to try to run the car off a bridge with me as a passenger.  I don't want to get too involved with this story.  I can't say the pain I feel is any different after a near death experience seeing my life flash before my eyes.  I guess I wanted to live that day, or else I wouldn't have grabbed the wheel screaming to stop the car and let me out.  This was just a month after I searched for ways to end it all.

So, when people don't create and keep friends because they are so wrapped up in their spouse, parents and children, and all you have left are your children, who else do you turn to?  I do not want to be an emotional or financial burden on them.  I don't want to worry them.  I want them to be proud of me, but how in the hell can I think they could be proud of me in the position I have allowed myself to be in?

I haven't seen or talked to my mother since December 24, 2012.  This is my time.  This is my depression to conquer.  I have a reason to live.  I have a reason to not kill myself as I decided I would do last November.  I probably would have done it, but researching the best ways to kill oneself never had a 100% guarantee that  I wouldn't end up in a vegetative state.  I couldn't leave it to my two wonderful adult children to pull the plug,   I had a responsibility to them to keep living despite the profound pain I was in.

I have had health issues which leads me to think my death wish was trying to play itself out.  I believe our thoughts can make us sick or put us in dangerous situations.  I believe I have had some warped thinking through this depression.  I went to my daughters birthday party last night.  Maybe this was the reason I am able to express my thoughts today, because it was the first time in a while since I socialized.  One of my daughters friends talked with me about his depression.  The worthless feelings of failure, and how those feelings are "a trick".  Oh?  If that is true, and I believe it may be, then this depression and pain I feel is false.  Could the physical pain actually be false too?  If I had clinical depression without depressive incidence, would I still feel this pain? Something to ponder someday, but for now, I am trying to get out of myself. Please respond to this question if you have or had depression.  Explain if you experienced the physical pain really deep in your chest, with aching arms and an overall feeling of Malaise.  Any physical symptoms at all, I would love to hear from you.  Also, bless you if you are currently experiencing this.  If it is any comfort at all, you are not alone.  I know when I hear that, it doesn't stay with me for long.  Logically, I know everyone has trials and tribulations and a whole lot of people with greater problems than depression.  I just wonder if all people going through a divorce feel physical pain.  How long does it last?  I can tell you, mine has eased, but just this past three days.  

This past week, I forced myself to get out of bed and brush my teeth.  It will be horrible if (strike that) WHEN I cure myself of my depression, I had rotten teeth?  I wouldn't be able to afford a dentist and I wouldn't be able to get the best jobs.  I subscribed to a web site listing seven steps to cure your depression. It suggested exercise so I walked most days or at least went outside which I wasn't doing upon weeks on end.  I didn't enjoy it. My son told me that I don't have to enjoy it, and wow, did that one idea speak to me loudly.  Am I not grown up enough to not need to enjoy something I am doing?  Would I classify this last question as self doubt?  I don't think it is doubt, it is maybe the truth.  Sometimes we just have to look inside or we will just stop evolving. Is this something I need to learn?

The free program I happened upon has a link just below this post.  I received my 2nd installment today.  I went to Whole Foods, bought fish, almonds, some magnesium supplements, flax seed oil for extra Omega 3's, (but maybe I should have gotten fish oil).  A helper at Whole Foods talked me out the fish oil.  I will be researching the differences it could play upon curing my depression.  If anyone wants to research it with me, and wants to share, I would be oh so happy!

Wouldn't it be great if I just made a complete 180?  What if how I am feeling now, will be how I will be feeling in the morning?  It hasn't happened yet, but I will tell you in the morning.  It is very late and I need to get to bed. The most comforting thought I am going to take to bed is-

"Congratulate yourself for being human"

 I have just seen my first signs of starting up that hill. I just realized, I have not had one tear today.  This hasn't happened since Sept 1, 2012.  Mountain top, here I come!