I am cured for now and maybe forever but probably not but maybe most likely, but most likely not, but maybe?

So this was another wonderful day.  How many hours can one have peace like this?  This is more than a grace period...I could never imagine myself feeling this good.  I haven't felt this good in years and years.  I have experienced peace, sadness, laughter, tears and all of this adds up to JOY.  I have added music to my life, how much I missed it...what the hell?  Why did I not keep my passions....I knew I always had?   

Depression is really bizarre.  I realized I haven't used my vocal cords much since moving to Oklahoma.  Singing feels good.  Hopefully no one will have to hear me sing, it isn't pretty, but I love it none the less.

I can't express how grateful I am finding that web site....here it is again, www.cure-your-depression.com

My daughter is a beautiful soul.  She is 6 ft of love.  I am sure she feels the pressure of being "there" for me.  I know how busy she is and I want her to live her life without visiting depression again.  She has had depression off and on in her adult life.  The love of her life left her due to a motorcycle accident while we were living in St. Louis.  I now realize the depression she has had to deal with.  My precious little daughter.  I couldn't do anything to help her.  No one can help you out of the depths, that is what I now realize.  I also realize I shouldn't feel guilty about not being able to help her. What I did or didn't do, doesn't matter, what matters I loved her through it and allowed her to learn to love again.

She has invited me to dinner tonight.  It is cold and rainy outside and she is not planning on having dinner until 8:30.  I do have a doctor appointment in the a.m., but because she worked all day I will go.  (I almost wrote try to go but decided just now to commit to it)

My next step didn't come today, but I already know I need to socialize so instead of getting my step, and dreading it, I have been working it and tonight is no exception.  This will be the first step I embraced before it even came.  Is that progress or what?

If you have depression and are suicidal, do something about it now.  Go to the nearest hospital, save your life!  You can find joy in your life again.  You have time to work your way out, but never do something that will end your life.  Listen to this Radio Lab:

http://www.radiolab.org/2009/jul/27/ 

I know how it feels, I know how my daughter felt years later after her tragic loss.  I wish I had lived through this time in my life before my daughter got to this point, but fortunately, nothing horrible happened.  In fact, it was probably good she was able to experience this depression and work her way out.  I know I am grateful for this opportunity to do the same and my daughter 30 years my junior did it all on her own...

I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!!!

Now for my important news:  I wrote my mother a letter today.  I also printed the first lesson for her since she doesn't have internet.  I will mail it before her birthday, and will mail another with a birthday present for her and another step.  I feel good about this step I am making but making it cautiously.  I don't want her to show up at my door or have my phone number....not now at least.  The letter was loving and didn't address why questions.

 We don't have to answer the reasons why,  it is just to do or die!

So, here I go out to dinner at my daughters house.  I like the new me, for tonight anyway....but maybe forever! 

Maybe or Maybe Not or Maybe