Mothers Birthday

Having a good day today physically AND emotionally.  The brain and body zaps have eased to a tenth of what they were yesterday.  I went to the grocery store and realized how much my taste in food has changed.  I have turned into one of the people I once admired in the check out line and  looking inside my own selections with shame, wishing I would have hidden the velveta under other processed foods so I wouldn't be judged.

Today, I have no shame in being judged.  I don't care what others think.  I don't care what my mother thinks of me not calling on her birthday. I remember a few times, she didn't call me on my birthday,  but was only when she had banned herself forever talking to me after one of her anger rages, and she did this thinking she was punishing me.  I do know if she had continued to cut me from her life, I would have lived how I wanted to live....not guessing what she would say if  I made even the smallest decision on my own. 

Always dodge bullets

It really doesn't matter though, because all of that is behind me.  I have decided, the only way possible to have a relationship with my mother is to do co-therapy.  I will not be in her presence unless this happens.  I don't even know if I will offer that much to her.  I can't see the future, so today I am truthful, and the truth could change in time, but if I am to learn from my past, the truth of today will stand.

Only one thing regarding my mother holds true today, I am thankful she gave me life.  I can't let her take it away.  I would expect the same actions from my own children if I were the abuser, the raging angry mother, the manipulating and self righteous one.  If I were emotionally abusive, physcially abusive and mentally abusive, I would expect my own children to set their own boundaries, living their life to the fullest...
and this is what I am doing.  It will only get better, just as this day was better than the day before.  I am on the road to recovery...no set back can scare me now.  I am wiser, and have dreams of my own.  I haven't had dreams before.  I never knew my brain could be so brilliant. 

I have a much more brilliant mind now that I am feeding it.  My brilliance measured against all of humanity is not what I am measuring, wouldn't stand up to the brilliance I see in the world, but my measuring stick is my past.  Today I am happy I am not the shell of the person I once was.

I will write in my pray rain journal now, it is where I see the brilliance.

You have to shine your own light,

do your part

to light up the world. 

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