What does it mean to be vulnerable?

Having the luxury of time, or taking it if you don't have it, could be the most important step in recovery from depression. It may leave you vulnerable in a job, finances and most importantly things we hold near and dear.  Opinions of our partners, our children our parents, all thing we see today as the driving force keeping giving us reason to live, may leave us covering up the only thing we had the minutes we were born.

What does it mean to be vulnerable?  I believe it is one of the most powerful words in our language.  If I were to have to define it today I would have to say "Real".

We are born vulnerable.  We became real the day we were born. 

I have so many thoughts about vulnerability, and could discuss its beauty, its fear, its involvement with depression, its differences in people from all walks of life, and how we cover it, protect it in choosing to disclose what is real.  Do we not realize disclosing the "v" word, may be the key to our recovery?

I believe "disclosures" to others are when we find connections.  Once we disclose something we keep "closely to the vest", what usually happens?  Do you find as I do, you finally are connecting.  In your experience have you revealed the smallest human feeling, fear, or fact, in conversation and can almost hear a sigh, or maybe you see a calmness wash over them through their body language or expression on their face.  It is if they are saying "I am safe here.  I can now relax and show a little of myself."

It takes courage opening oneself to another, putting away your ego and experience a true connection to another human.  It is a beautiful thing and I am seeing my climb out of my of sickness and depression through vulnerability.

I believe our ego is built over time, especially in childhood.  We go our happy way, expressing sadness, our needs and desires without fear.   The fear I developed may be the first time I heard my mother say as she said so many times through my life" I was never so embarrassed in all my life" over what I did, said or the way I acted.  I was only being my true self showing the world my innocence and joy of life.  This is a time I most likely realized, hey, there is something wrong with me, confusion sets in. The tragedy would be if I never found the strength to be vulnerable again.

If we allow this type of statement to leave an imprint on our sub conscience over and over again, we start to be cautious.  We start to build the personality that gives us the least amount of hurt.  We put a veil over our heads so no one can see the defects we were told we had.  We were in survival mode.  I am in wonderment even as children we learn to survive by acting, speaking and reacting to the things we thought made us look normal to others.  This is how people "pleasers" were born. 

Teenagers in rebellion is how people "pleasers" are healed.

What happens to the damaged person who didn't have the strength or the where with all to rebel?  They may have acted out in negative ways throughout their life.  Smoking for instance, may be an act of rebellion.  I started smoking when I was 32 or 33 years old.  If I were to say I regret I did not have the courage to rebel against my mother, isn't quite true.  I have no hindsight as what the past looks like if something had been different.  I have beat the smoking addition before for six years.  I guess I had some rebellion the day I picked it up again.  I should have rebelled at what was causing the urge of the addiction. 


When I fell in love the first time, was it true love or just a need to be loved.  This is something I can not answer and decide not to pursue answering, because this past is gone, done with signed and sealed.  I hope not to re-visit that part of my past unless I am recalling precious memories of the good that came from this marriage.  I actually know if I were to explore each and every detail of all the reasons "why", it could cause mental exhaustion.

Today I need all the energy I can get.  I took my supplements and look forward to this day.  It is time to have another cigarette.  I will contemplate why I smoke while holding that white stick of tobacco with fire that burns and smoke that fills my lungs.  I can conquer depression, I can beat illness, I can do all things.  I can not do it until I have decided I am ready to quit, the cigarettes will always be there.  The people in your life can be taken away in an instant. Today,  I am rejoicing about the connections I have made, using my vulnerability by not "trying" to make a good impression, and opening myself up to others I may meet.  I have a lot to learn and I am vulnerable to what the day may bring.

How lucky can I be!